*awkward wave*

so, i haven't posted in about a year. or 11 months, whatever. i defected to twitter for a while. twitter is cool if you follow the right people. it took me a while to figure out after realizing my timeline was once an internet version of BET. recently i've been thinking of bigger ideas that i should write down, ones that can't all be compressed into 140-character statements. that made me decide to start blogging again. so when i was about to start a whole new blog, i looked at the old one and i thought to myself: i was gonna use that url.. fuck it i'll just pick up where i left off. so now i will use this blog for bigger topics, and twitter for short bursts of my thought process.

relapse.

im trying to get back into writing poetry again, even if just a little bit. that and it slows my transition into a completely unsensitive/vulcanish asshole :)

im lost in a stare and im tryin not to blink again
while the beams brush the surface of the skin
i love your shine under the starlight, others call it the sun
that's why im waitin for the clouds to run
for those rays to dash, amplify the colors in between those lashes
love it when they're framed in glasses
everytime you glance i feel a rush
cuz trust, i cannot look away, my eyes keep movin down and up
lips are lush, im in a trance every time you brush,
by, freckles pinpoint every spot i wanna touch
and im sure you got the hint, but if you must know
im tryin pretty hard to make you blush through your blush
like your eye shadow after the day's through, im tryin not to linger
never will i shadow, i just wanna take you by the fingers
and always stand to your left like it's forever 9 o'clock
cuz im willing to stop time if it means this moment i'll lock

leaving.

i should definitely be sleeping now, but i'm eating a huge bowl of cereal instead, listening to a rotating ashanti's 'only you [instrumental]'. it's such a powerful beat, i wrote some lyrics to it a couple years ago, ill post it at the end. anyway, my point to this post: in roughly 6 hours, i will be waiting for my flight. i am leaving. only for a little while though, i wish i was leaving leaving. but that trip to seattle i spoke of begins in the morning. i'm not excited, but i am looking forward to it. a birthday present to myself. i have a feeling ill come back with some diet-related illness, if not a cold.

so, are you one of those people that are observant enough to know when you're friends are having problems? and more specifically do you easily pinpoint the source without them talking to you about it? if so, how do you like that characteristic about yourself? i don't know if i should be ecstatic about that ability or not. i mean, it sucks to sympathize for someone without them being able to know, you know? and it'd be weird for me to come out and start a conversation about their business with them when they haven't exactly opted to talk about it with you. this is where i resort to secretly cheering them up, hope it works.

ok, i sleep now. [yes, i meant for that to be grammatically incorrect.]

rewind.

a couple excerpts from my archives.. dating back to as far as 2004, not more recent than 2006. if this isn't reason enough to keep writing, i don't know what is..



...although my water's cut off and i bathe in my own tears
and the faucet handle's my one true love and i fear
i wont be cryin tears of joy no more cuz she might go mainstream
just like music...


...They said my thoughts aren't worth nothin so I'm runnin from nothing
People left and right look at me like I would never be something
look in my eyes, hear my heart and blood flowing
I know my creator went through the process of bestowing
within me the knowledge of a old one who spent time in concentration
or one who tried to flee waiting at a underground station...


...dont try to fuck wit me
ill currently make u part of history...


...try bein victim to a heart attack, not by cholesterol or shock
but maybe emotion, or the shells from the glock
flyin like birds in a flock
the desert eagle ridin city wings
travelin block to block
goin through plenty things
brushin past a shoulder of one waitin at a bus stop
right over the candy paint of a drop top
placin a scratch on a badge as it passes a cop
right into the heart of a child playin on the library's scenic rock...


...my thoughts compose nocturnes, words appropriate for the night
the way I feel in my place this world is too dark for sunlight
I wonder If I died and came back where would I be
see reflections from water that fell from the roof or through a diamond's gleam...


...I need ya touch and I need ya kisses
it's like my love is a chain, but you the link im missin
I admire ya eyes and lips, how they always glisten
If you eva had to repeat yaself, it's not that I didn't listen
I jus wanted to hear ya voice once more, once again
I bet only you can feel my heartbeat while you holdin my hand...


...every sabbath the sun rises to "God Love Us" by Nas
my gospel, a change from music that goes covered wit lies
I sit and wonder, who counted every scar Jesus recieved on his back
who made it manditory that there'd be eight or siteen bars on a track...


...the hypnotizin smile, most beautiful thing in the world
can make the most shallow grow roots deep into this world
her eyes ligt up the midnite sky, and no matter what they say, life will neva pass her by
cuz itll want a permanent look at her, not from a distance
if moon got glimpse, it'd stop revolvin in a instant...


...As he sits and thinks how he got into this mess
he goes back in time, not to when he started his protest
but back to when he was neglected and alone
when his parents fought while that lady was sittin in the bed of his home
with no words to explain how bad his world spins
he's slowly turning into the man full of hatred and sin
his thoughts bring him back to his time, one last place before he's claimed deceased
there's nothing left that he can do, but pray, under his jail sheets...


...like twisted weather I'm cold but I bring heat to a track
wit my name in ya mouth like I'm the wash that's fightin the plaque...


...didnt trip when she kept starin off to the
side of my pocket...


...rinse my face in flowing water, eyes red from sleep
possibly crying before my wake, dreams aren't reality
legit reason? will they ever be mirror imagery?
with whats before the barrier physically in front of me
told me I'd accomplish all if I tried
so could I capture her beauty, just to hold by my side...


i think i've embarassed myself enough.

citation.

i like how i kind of just put a limit on my life. i have about 45 years, tops, left to live. ive requested to about 6 people that if i get any older they need to kill me. one person relunctantly said ok, hopefully they can pull it off. ive already mentioned that i dont want to get old in another post, but my desires have grown even more of a spinal cord. today i interned at a convalescent home. i officially have a reason to die early. god forbid i end up in one of those. half of them were depressed or bed ridden. there was one guy who kept trying to ask me if i took the phone from him, wtf, who are you? and there was another guy in a wheelchair sitting at a corner, facing the same position for the whole time i was there. i was there for 5 hours. can u imagine sitting in one place for 5 hours straight?? he did not have a gameboy or ipod, fuck that. i'm probably going to hell, huh? i might try to work there though, full time job cooking job, small kitchen pretty much all to myself. lots of work, but i love the sound of it. if the petite chicas at the last hospital i worked at can i do why can't i?


coheed & cambria is officially like the sickest rock band since 2002. fuck limp bizkit. fuck soad, fuck linkin park. not really cuz i love those bands too, but seriously? check out coheed & cambria. they can literally influence you to get yourself a speeding citation. for reals, i would know. funny part is i wasn't even mad about it. weird part is my mom wasnt even mad about it.


i think im writing lyrics again, just finished a sexy rhyme to 'girls all around the world' [lloyd.lil wayne]. complete with army fatigue-like punchlines. explaining them felt like a college english class when you have a discussion to analyze elements in one of those classic books like the great gatsby or somthin. i guess im just that great :D

i'm having fun rebuilding my music collection. i got flyleaf's entire album, and they are officially my favorite female singer rock band. i got discographies from paramore, evanescence, coheed & cambria, and dragonforce. i got a couple backyard babies cd's, colbie callait [shut the hell up], a clash cd, the poison cd that has my song: talk dirty to me, and a beastie boys cd. i can't wait to learn all the lyrics to the beastie boys cd, so i can bump it on the street rapping with it. tell me that wouldn't weird you out. it seems i'm definately straying away from hip-hop... but i kinda don't need more hip-hop, i have complete discographies of nas, krayzie bone, and lupe fiasco. i don't need much more than that.

i think i'll go to church tonite, i need it.

mantids.

i talk too much.

it feels good though, you know, to have something to write about for three days straight. and i don't think the streak stops after this. tomorrow i'll have something to blog about, same with saturday. only thing is that i probably won't have time to write on saturday, but whatever.

i was feeling pretty crappy last nite, i'll explain in tomorrow's post. but today i feel a lot better. the day went overall well even though i still have 6 hours and 56 minutes to fuck it up. everything kind of resolved myself, and now i don't have an overload of my own seemingly heavy thoughts.

my "seth rogen from kung fu panda"'s hatched finally. i thought i'd be waiting until spring, but guess not. i have yet to see them fight but i see some bodies laying around.

i was thinking about how i don't want to grow old again. i know i sounds weird but i'm just not feeling it. of course i'm happy for everyone who's made it 50+ years, but as of right now, it's not for me. maybe in a few years i'll actually look forward to living a long life with grandchildren and convalescent homes. but for now i'm thinking of making it to about 40-45 years, then i'll invest in that ostrich or other potentially dangerous animal i've always wanted. then someday, in reference to me, someone will say "things happen," and make this face: =/

i like this quote: "and believe me, in every man there's a code written that says: tackle drunk bitches.' [40-year-old virgin] i have a mission for next wednesday damnit! only i'm not after a literally "drunk bitch", or a "bitch"... ok fuck it nevermind.

charger.

so i either slowed down or time has went too fast. i def need to keep up with my posting. i think i have a lot to talk about, or at least i think i have a lot i could talk about. who knows.

i haven't told a radioshack story in a minute, so maybe i'll start with a couple. i think it was last week when i witnessed the most ignorant guy, in existence, in action. so i'm probably standing around doing nothing, my boss is talking to this lady about her phone or somethin. so, this guy walks in almost yelling "i need to pay my bill!," completely interrupting the ongoing conversation. my boss points out that he was in the middle of a conversation so the guy says "ok fine i'll come back when somebody else is here," you know, cuz i'm obviously a ghost and shit. so the lady is nice enough to let him get his bill paid, but the whole time my boss is trying to find out everything he needs to know about what's being paid for, because contrary to popular belief, we have like 5 different bills that can be paid there. i mean seriously people get mad when i ask "what kind of bill are you paying?" and they reply with an attitude "radioshack, what else? this is radioshack right?" and then i reply "we can pay your [nigga phone], the radioshack credit card, dish network, sprint, and reload prepaid credit cards [you stupid asshole]." and yes, i just couched that quote, because i didn't say that exactly. and yes, i got A's in english class. anyway, the whole time this guy is yelling while my boss is calm and talking to him. finally, my boss goes "look, i'm trying to help-" "look man i just wanna pay my bill!" exclaims ignoramus (remind me not to use that word again, i don't like it). so my boss gives him back the money, tells him to leave and have a good day. i'm thinking this guy could not already get any louder, but he pretty much explodes and gets all gangster and in his face yelling stuff like "you little bitch!" and "you fat motherfucker!" at this point, we both start to laugh a little at his reaction, and like always, this seems to excite them a little more. i think the funniest thing this guy yelled was asking what time my boss got off work and following that up with "i'll lay you out in this parking lot." finally he leaves and we can hear him maybe a block away still expressing his ignorant feelings. i kinda feel sorry for the guy that was with him; you could tell this guy had some sense, so imagine having to walk around with a stupid fuck like that guy all day.

saturday was interesting too. i'm at work and this girl comes in and tells me how her phone died and she needs me to charge it for her so she can call her friend to get picked up. so we don't charge peoples phones because of responsibility issues if something were to happen. i tell her i can't charge her phone. and she says "well if i were to buy the charger, cash and everything, could you charge it a little bit?" and i say no. so she says she wants to buy the charger anyway, so i go to look for the charger. unfortunately we sold out of the chargers, so i try to explain that to her. so i'm thinking she understands that, then she asks if there's something that can charge her phone while she's walking. we do have that, but it's also sold out. so i tell her unless she wants to go to another store to pick it up then there's nothing i can do. so she asks if i could check if we have any more chargers, cuz i didn't just tell her we sold out. then she reverts back to the "so if i were to buy it cash, you're gonna tell me that you don't have a charger." and i revert back to "we sold out." then she takes a couple more steps back into the convo and asks if i could charge her phone. and i proceed with "how [the hell] am i going to charge your phone if i don't have the charger to even sell to you?" aaand then we spend like 30 minutes repeating the same questions and answers in little circles. i swear the conversation looked like the freaking olympic games logo. i'm wtf, are you really that retarded??

that chick from 40-year-old virgin is hot. trish's daughter, you know. i'm watching it right now for the second time all the way through, i think just because i can. i've been saying "for sho" just because of steve carrell. i used to hate that saying.

i've been drawing a lot lately. thursday night i stayed up til 5 in the morning drawing a picture of 'seras victoria' of the hellsing manga. saturday nite and all sunday i drew and inked 'c.c.' of the code geass anime. google em since you probably have no idea who the hell i'm talking about. anyways, my drawings came out sexy. i'm proud of myself. i need to get one of them framed so i can hang it up and show off a lil.

i have more to talk about, but i'll wait til about thursday. it'd be better that way.

calories.

let's see.

i don't know what's happening. it feels like time has been moving faster than it should. i haven't posted in 9 days, and it feels more like it's been 2 or 3 weeks. it's the third day of the week and i feel like it's already over. i think i know where this feeling comes from. the only thing is that i have two different possibilities. first, i'm tired. second, i've been thinking too much into the distant future about little things: due dates, work schedule, money. i'm liking that 'live today like it's your last' idea, but the line is very thin, making it difficult to distinguish wreckless from carefree. of course, i hold more indifference than the average bear, but it doesn't hold the same joys as being carefree. i'm not happy. at the same time, i'm not sad, angry, dissappointed. i'm bored.

looking into the distant future, however, i see good things coming. after this week my homework load won't be so overwhelming. i mean even though it's not a lot of work, i went for a year with no homework in culinary school, so it takes adjusting. i should also be getting my scholarship check from my church within the next week or two, which will reimburse the 400+ dollars i spent on this semester at school.

school is weird. i have no friends, i'm just gonna throw that out there immediately. i've always went to new schools and classes with the mentality that i'm not here to meet people, but i'm here to just do class and leave. normally i start out ok, then i end up befriending classmates or maybe even seeing someone i've already known. this situation is actually different. once again, i'm pretty much the only person my age, so even if i conversate with some classmates from time to time, i doubt i'll ever actually befriend them. normally black people end up grouping together, but i doubt i'm going to do that. there's this one chick as a matter of fact who comments on every single thing somebody says trying to make a joke or just to be an asshole. i don't know if she's trying to be funny or what, but it's gotten old and she's just coming off as ignorant. whatever. i miss culinary school. i miss highschool. people my age i could relate to and have fun with. how do i end up having to go through this?

i figured out, actually i confirmed, why i've been the same weight for the past 2 years. i'm not eating enough. i thought i ate a lot. i should keep tracking my diet to really make sure this is the case, but that's what i noticed. it's not like i'm missing just a little bit of calories, i'm missing like 40% of what i actually need. man.

i'm done with this post. i really didn't want to write rite now anyway, but i figured i'd never get around to it otherwise :/

actually, one more thing: metro station. it's funny what music i listen to sometimes. i really like this group tho, it's like pop/electro-ish, just check out kelsey and shake it.

excuses.

just a quik rhyme.

i am the palm that reached out for your guidance
my inarticulate speech only gets me denied
its just the simple fact that i tried once
that gets me by on this hunch
i can get high on my blunts
it's all i could ever want
cuz as a child i was really a liar
i never wanted to be a doctor, teach, or fight fires
just wanna blame my boss for bein racist every time i get fired
never finish school for there's no goal to which i aspire
let the government that doesn't support me, support me
turn that attitude towards my child that absolutely abhors me
and blame it on my father who was never there for me
for i have no control over a fate set before me...

i'm probably an asshole for tagging this under 'black people' (not to generalize cuz i surely don't mean all)... but sheesh tell me i'm wrong.

physical.

[4.25 pm] i'm sitting in the waiting room lakeside building at kaiser permanente waiting to take a tb test that i need results for tomorrow.. yeah.. i'm mad that when i called to schedule it they thought i said STD test. after i corrected the lady, she told me i don't have an assigned doctor anymore and that i need to go take a physical. i'm thinking that this is the last thing on my agenda right now, but she tells me that if i can make it to the building before 4.30 i can take it. it was 3.45, i was in long beach and kaiser is on the other side of los angeles. i had to bust a mission. i can consider yesterday my practice: i drove from long beach city college to the del amo mall in less than 20 minutes to catch tropic thunder. i made it at the last preview and now i'm under the presumption that toby mcguire is playing a gay guy in his next role. i mean i could be wrong but when you walk in late on a preview you don't ever know what to think. now i'm sitting in the nurses office in the lakeside building at kaiser perma... ok nevermind they took care of me. So now I get to go home and look at this bump and register for classes. i'll finish later, i'm texting my blog. i hope this uploads...

[5.40pm] ok, it uploaded. just had to edit a little. i think i'm going to like my new school a lot more than trade tech. for one, i can pay for my parking pass before anything else. at trade tech you had to pay for classes before you could get a pass which was pretty gay. second, there is a much larger percentage of good looking girls. lastly, and most interestingly, the place is infested with rabbits. it's really, they just lay around all day in public. they're not really scared of the people that come around either. it gave me an idea: when i have my own house, i want a huge backyard with a few trees. i'll buy a few animals and just let em live back there like the rabbits do. back to the school... i'm tired. i've been driving back and forth all week to take care of random stuff, and i'm still not done. i need to get registered for three more classes, get my dietetic uniform, and get books.

i just noticed that writing a blog tends to make me talk about simple things in the longest possible way. i'd be annoyed with myself if i had all this stuff to say when i started talking.

so the dummy phone bum came back today :D. weird thing though, he was all nice and calm and stuff. i was trying not to laugh though cause i was thinking about last week, or whenever that crap happened. i forget.

i want a Samsung Instinct now. i'm really only excited about being able to choose which voicemail you want to listen to instead "you have, four unheard messages... first message, sent at... second message...". one day.

indifference.

so rite now im tryin to watch 40-year-old virgin. i've never seen the movie all the way through, so why not tonite u kno? only problem is that i'm streaming it and it's taking it's sweet time. so i have to pause it and let it load more, not to mention it's broken into 3 videos so that's more waiting. but at least the down time is making me blog.

"just come back". comment from my last post by diamondsr4eva. oh, i came back :D. i wrote a couple verses to Nas' Hero track, and i love myself for it. i'm thinkin i'll post it soon. or when me and my bro record over the beat, i'll post that. either or. it feels good tho when u've stopped somthing for a while, then all of a sudden you start again and you're almost on a different level if not just as skilled. not tryin to be cocky/full of myself, but that's just how it feels. i'm sure u've been there before.

i have to watch that Black in America thing that was on CNN. my mom recorded it while i was at school and she told me i need to watch it. i knew about beforehand but i'd forgotten the date, so at least it's there. honestly tho, as much as i kno i probably should watch it, i don't really want to. i'm not as interested as i should be. i probably won't change the way i live after watching it. even if it changes the way i think, it probably won't be for too long. i'm not an informed person. i don't watch the news, i don't follow politics. "i guess i'm dead cuz i ain't listen to Diddy" or Puff, however that Lupe quote goes. i'm just full of indifference. i don't need stuff to worry about. i just want to live. this is the one subject i hate conversating with adults about. they believe i need to stay informed, that i need to exercise my right to vote. i understand the importance, the consequences, and the reasons behind it. i just can't force myself to.. care. as insensitive as it may sound: i didn't ask anybody to fight for my right to vote, so y guilt trip me about what you heard that people went through. i don't expect u to agree with me or even respect me for that but that's what's in my heart. besides, it's a right to vote, meaning it's a choice, an option available to me. let me choose.

also i've been thinking that niggas needa calm down about cops lol. i know we've all had some bad experiences. i mean people must be on one to think cops have no purpose but to bring you down. u really think they care about ur being that much to sit around and try to catch you fuckin up? come on now.. i know that some cops do focus on certain people and hope they get a good catch, their mama's never taught them respect, they grabbed your balls, whatever, but honestly, every single cop u have met has not been a total asshole, and if you really believe that i think u have something to do with it. i mean it's the same thing as someone who has a problem making friends with a certain group of people. when girls say the guys they date are all the same. i've heard many times that you affect what comes into your own life. your tounge can create, and your mind has a magnetic power. i only really started thinkin about cuz damn near every rapper has to throw "fuck the cops/police" in an album. i mean i don't hate cops, nor do i support everything they do. i have my indifference as usual. i guess i'm just puzzled as to why people put so much time into pointless things like that. shoot me.

i just know there was more to write but now i can't remember :/
o well, back to 40-year-old virgin.. which has only loaded half of the first third of the movie damnit!!

note.

i am an idiot.

i stopped writing.

why?

playlist.

i've been listening to one kind of music lately. i don't know how to label it though, it's not a specific genre, there are songs from all across the board. this list includes Common's 'Come Close To Me,' The Stroke's 'You Only Live Once,' Weezer's 'Island in the Sun,' No Doubt's 'Simple Kind of Life,' and Marvin Gaye's 'I Want You.' i don''t know what that means or how i feel but ok. sad part is that i tried to write again last night and this comes out:

i look out a window it's nothing clear
all i see is my face it's like a mirror
look away as if disgraced or if i saw somethin i fear
and if i stand in my place it'll keep drawing near
and it's nothing i can erase so which way do i steer?
wishing i could sway and just drift in this rain
tumble into an ocean and let it take me away
just float on my back til my skin corrodes
and fingers and toes soak til the appearance is old
when i, dream my skies are grey
and the clouds in which i lay are like a rocky terrain
and i stare at the concrete which rejected my feet
i feel the wind escape my presence as i fall in my sleep

i don't know if it's sadness or nonchalance or a mix of both.

anyway yesterday, for the first time in forever, i went shopping. and, for the first time in forever, i bought some jeans. i also discovered a small cult of guys who have had the same two pairs of jeans since highschool. i felt like i was home, but then i left home buy buying two more pairs. but i'm happy.

and tuesday i began to rediscover my artistic side. my friend from my accounting class invited to chill with his people. it was pretty cool; the people i met were some of the coolest black people you can find. not to put my own people down but anybody who is black, and anybody of any race, knows their people are on some shit sometimes. but this group was a fresh breath. one cat was a super smart guy, "blessed with the gift of speech." another was an artist. anything but a typical conversation. i got connected with a lady who does catering so i might have jobs on the side and i get to build experience in a kitchen. anyway, we did a couple stencil designs for tees and hoodies. this was my first time ever doing a stencil so of course im happily drawing until the homie points out i don't have any breaks that allow the entire picture to follow through once i cut it out. in other words i would've made, instead of a stencil, a shaped hole. but it came out really nice, at least i liked it:


(it says "g-eazy")