pepper.

pepper spray. after maybe 5 minutes of thought, i determined that pepper spray would be an excellent topic. i came up with two different things that could be up for discussion.

first, how does pepper spray taste? its extracted from peppers, so could it possibly double as a spice? i remember this episode of the critic [old cartoon about critic jay sherman] where this lady sprays jay, and he eats it. ok, i know that cartoons are extremely exaggerated, but still. here's some legit [in my opinion] logic: just because it burns your eyes does not mean it can't taste good; go rub some orange juice in your eye and tell me orange juice is not fuckin tasty. so, if i get my hands on some pepper spray, i'm gonna season my food and see what happens.

second, i went on wikipedia and searched pepper spray. i'm not sure how accurate the information is, but apparently pepper spray has been banned from war. i don't understand how you ban an item from war. i mean a nuclear weapon is more logical seeing as it'll fuck up the earth on a huge scale. but really, i'm at war with someone and i have pepper spray in my pocket, who's gonna enforce the no spray law. who the fuck are you to tell me not to use my pepper spray? what, is my enemy going to see my pepper spray and go "hey, that's against the rules! put that down, now!"?? no. and if he did, he would get sprayed.

leaving.

i should definitely be sleeping now, but i'm eating a huge bowl of cereal instead, listening to a rotating ashanti's 'only you [instrumental]'. it's such a powerful beat, i wrote some lyrics to it a couple years ago, ill post it at the end. anyway, my point to this post: in roughly 6 hours, i will be waiting for my flight. i am leaving. only for a little while though, i wish i was leaving leaving. but that trip to seattle i spoke of begins in the morning. i'm not excited, but i am looking forward to it. a birthday present to myself. i have a feeling ill come back with some diet-related illness, if not a cold.

so, are you one of those people that are observant enough to know when you're friends are having problems? and more specifically do you easily pinpoint the source without them talking to you about it? if so, how do you like that characteristic about yourself? i don't know if i should be ecstatic about that ability or not. i mean, it sucks to sympathize for someone without them being able to know, you know? and it'd be weird for me to come out and start a conversation about their business with them when they haven't exactly opted to talk about it with you. this is where i resort to secretly cheering them up, hope it works.

ok, i sleep now. [yes, i meant for that to be grammatically incorrect.]

attitude.

so it's been more than two weeks since the new year started and i still haven't posted. but now that i think about it, i don't really care. it's not that big of a deal, you know? not like i ever know what to write about anyway. so, i didn't make any resolutions. i've stopped doing that years ago, at first because i never really tried to keep them, or cause i'd forget. now, it's because i think about it differently, if there's something that needs to change, why wait? why use the excuse of "it's a new year" to start doing new stuff? as we said every day in culinary school, "fuck it" and go.

i've been partying a lot in these past two weeks it seems. i'm sleepy as hell, but it does not stop yet. i have a big month ahead of me, or half a month, i guess. everybody's birthday is this month; mines is thursday. is it me, but are birthdays the hardest thing in the world to remember? i really only remember my mom's without any doubt. everybody else i end up asking for the date 50 times, or i somehow get reminded like 2 days before. i still don't know what i'm doing to celebrate my 20th, and i don't know what to do for anyone elses either. whatever.

seattle in two weeks! we ordered the tickets, it is going, down.

finally, i've set a match to the biggest bridge i've longed to burn. my dad calls me last night literally minutes before i was stepping out to go party. for some strange reason, he's mad that i didn't pick up the phone he bought me, that he said he was going to drop off. make any sense? no. so i explained that to him, and i guess he didn't hear me. i hear i have a problem speaking up, but i guess. so then he jumps into "what is your problem with me??" then i explain for the first time out of five time within a span of 10 minutes, that i don't have a problem with him, i don't hate him, i don't deny him as my father, and that it's simply because i've gotten used to him not being around and i'm in no way motivated to start a new relationship with him, i simply don't care. the thing that was different about this conversation, however, is that i was full on arguing with him. normally, i half listen, knowing what he's going to say. but this time i said "fuck it, he's going to listen to me." i think my attitude had something to do with me not being in my car. i mean i was supposed to be out partying, not arguing with a dumb fuck. sad part is that every time i said something, it was instantly translated into "i hate you, i've been holding animosity against you for years. wahhh wahh!!" so eventually i just gave up and resorted to amusing myself by pissing him off every chance i got. it was really the funniest conversation i've ever had after i realized his brain couldn't process a single thing i told him. who woulda thought an argument would amp me up to go party?

reasonable.

so far, so bad. i hate today, and i'm hoping the next 3 hours and 40 minutes will save my opinion of new years eve, 08.

i woke up today at 8.30, and was my zune was frozen. it's still frozen. this means i have to burn mix cds and touch my dash board more often. this needs to be changed before i start school again and skate back forth from parking lots to class. i need a new zune or a new ipod, or a techie jesus.

i think being mad at my zune and immediately cursing the entire day led to me being extremely irritable for its remainder. you how they say you can speak or will things into existence? im pretty sure i did that. i pretty much wanted to slap 90% of the customers i dealt with today. i really hope that it was just one of those days where everybody's a dumbass and i'm acting perfectly reasonable, but i doubt those days even exist.

now it seems like the majority of my friends are asking me about party info for tonite. normally it feels pretty cool, everybody waitin on you and you pretty schedule whats goin down. rite now, however, i'm a lil annoyed, and a lil confused on what to do. i could easily hit up several kickbacks, or even a club. but im not in the mood really. im kinda down to house party. i'm not even sure if i want to drink now. damnit.

accent.

yesterday was pretty chill. went to work, and me and my boss pretty talked the whole time about random stuff. you know how like normally your boss doesn't want you standing around all the time doing nothing? we did nothing for my whole 4 hour shift. basically talked about random stuff, like which actresses are really hot and other things. i think i figured out why i like hispanic girls so much: it's the tone in their voice. im not talking about the accent, but a lot of them have a really gentle [?] voice thats really easy to listen to. and of course the accent tops it off and adds the sexy. my favorite accent, however, is english. whew... another thing i was thinking about, due to being told that i have an old soul, do you think that would have any kind of effect on people my age understanding me, or even hinder me from making a connection in relationship situations with someone my age? i doubt it, and i definitely don't want to make it an excuse, but could it be something to think about?

i finally took a trip to michaels art supply store! ive been meaning to pick up some poster frames for these prints i bought from a friend and a drawing i did. i also got the last piece of my airbrush set, so i should be starting my practice soon, and immediately following, more art. im really happy i could finally hang up these pieces tho, especially the ones from 3satva [http://www.myspace.com/3satva]. check out his page and look for the pieces 'deluge' and 'xochitl', which are proudly, and fucking beautifully, hanging on my walls. the piece i did is of an anime character 'c.c.' of code geass, black and white in ink.

i also finally got to see 'zack and miri make a porno.' i think its just one those things i have to do: see anything with seth rogen, or produced by kevin smith or judd apatow. it was playing at the 3 dollar movies, and i had nothing planned after work, so i went. it was pretty short, but it was a good movie. it actually gets better the more i think about it. and the weird thing is, this movie makes me want to find love more than any other movie has. i mean you look at the title and you're probably like, 'what the fuck are u talking about?' but if you've seen it, please tell me you know how i feel, or least you have an idea how i feel. it's probably just because miri [elizabeth banks] is freaking hot, especially in this movie, and i secretly wanna hit that. i also think it's because while they're filming all the scenes everyone is actually having porn sex, and when it gets to zack and miri, they end up making love, so its kind of a sharp transition. the song they play the minute they start makes it even more powerful. live - hold me up. check it out. this band can actually be a separate post in itself as im currently listening to their other songs. wow.

skills.

i got ran over by a motorized wheelchair. it didn't hurt, it just diminished my spirits. i mean, who wants to be run over by a wheelchair? thats what happens to losers. supposedly im going bowling in northridge for 50 cents... that makes no sense to me, but we'll see what happens.

this weekend was pretty interesting. i went to simi valley friday nite for this lil xmas get together for my church's youth group. simi valley is freaking weird, there are so many heavy concentrations of houses, and hardly any businesses unless u take the time to look for them. that, and it was 30 somethin degrees out there. i guess i should get used to that since i plan on going to washington next month, in exactly one month. saturday we randomly threw a kickback, which resulted in another nite of no sleep. i died on sunday.

i realized that all trace of me ever having 'game' has faded away from the surface of the earth. i think in maybe the 9th and 10th grades, i was actually into talking to whatever girls and trying to get numbers or get a girlfriend. gradually i stopped giving a damn, like it's really not my focus nor a priority. i mean of course id like to have the company at times, and that feeling is slowly growing more and more. but what the hell do i do now? i have no more skills! damnit.

i started using google chrome. its a new internet browser, to my knowledge at least. i like it. i was using aol explorer, after using mozilla firefox, but this one is probably the best yet. it looks nice, anytime you open a tab, it shows thumbnails of pages you always go to so you can revisit with a click. and one of the better yet not-so-noticeable features is in the navigation bar: you kno how when you type where you wanna go, and the list falls down under it, and you press enter when you see the site you want, and it doesn't go anywhere because you realize too late that you never selected it? chrome actually puts out full website addresses as you type, so if you press enter like a dumbass, you wont feel like a dumbass because you'll actually be somewhere. try that ish!

i guess i should finally thank my procrastination. i started writing what was supposed to be this post last nite while i was at this xmas party. instead, i got bored and said 'nevermind i dont even care.' seriously, if i wouldve posted last nite, it wouldve been shit.

void.

so i just got through telling my cousin how i refrained from using the word "grazi" because a small part of denied its existence. and now, of course, i feel a little stupid, un poquito. i feel like those people who will say random stuff, like "i don't believe in sugar." and i've heard someone say "i don't believe in guys." i mean what else can you say but "well i'm sorry, but they exist," while pointing at the thing in question?

so, suddenly i'm feeling a small drive to get my art out into the world. whether it be my writing, my cartoons, my clothes, whatever. i feel like producing more, making connections. maybe i'm growing up a little bit. i wonder how long this will last...

my birthday is next month, no longer will i be a teenager. i feel like 20 is going to be a year living in a desolate void. it's the only year that you're still limited but you can't be referred to as a teenager. it's like, 21 is the first year where you have no restrictions due to age, unless you want to run for political office, and how many people are gonna do that? being a teenager is like, ok, you're almost there, but at least you have a category for the time being. what the hell is 20??? we should start a petition to lower drinking and gambling ages to 20! not that i expect you guys to care because the majority of you are already of age :/

[edit.]
i love how i'm completely oblivious to my school schedule. i'm pretty sure this is my last week before break, but i really have no clue.

april.

why the hell do i need a 16-month calender??

i mean the most obvious reason i wouldn't need it is that there's 12 months in the year, rite?

but also,

who's gonna look at a calender in october and go up to april like "oh yeah, let me save this date," or "what day is april fool's?" all i'm saying is, nobody's gonna care about april until march, maybe february. maybe. it's a waste of time. i like how i didn't know how to spell february, i swear i'm getting retarded.

and one more thing, if i get a calender that goes to next april, then it would be a waste to buy a whole calender for that year. like, i'd literally be wasting %25 of the calender price because i already know about jan through april, so i wouldn't be backtracking. especially with the condition our economy is?? hellll nahhh. man, i am bored.

make a 24 month calender, that shit would be active.

idiocy.

wow, just got home from church. it was interesting, very, interesting. to me and probably only me at least. we had a little assignment: pick your favorite story out of the old testament of the bible to share with everyone. easy enough right? pick a story, and we're discuss it. so i was in between the story of the cities of sodom and gomorrah and the one where king david sees this married chick he likes and obtains by send her husband to fight on the front lines by himself in a war. in all my idiocy, i pick sodom and gomorrah thinking it would be the best choice. so i share the story that i picked, right? and since i have a king james old fashion-speak version of the bible, i failed to translate the part where the guys in the cities want the guys in the house to come out so they can "know them" into the part where the guys in the cities want the guys in the house to come out so they can "have sex with them." ok, so what i learned from the story before all this had nothing to do with them having sexy times en mass. but to put it short, the story i chose sparked a whole debate session on everything from sexual preference to obama to the black people's struggle. and you know how i feel about debates, so you can assume i was quiet the rest of the nite. even though everybody had intelligent stuff to say, and not for this statement to be taken the wrong way: it took like an hour for somebody to actually come to a point.

you how normally during debates people tend to express their views over and over? i think it's because of that they never end. we tend to express our opinions but we fail to connect them to a certain point, thus resulting in endless amounts of time trying to get each other to understand what we're saying. it's like "i understand what you're saying because you said it 50 times, but please relate how you feel to the topic, a topic, any topic because apparently i'm not getting your point if you have to repeat yourself 50+ times." maybe we can find a common ground or take the conversation a step further. maybe i should go be a free spirit. i'll go build a treehouse in the woods and i'll never have to talk about, or listen to, anything serious again.

i just love how i managed to spark up the thing i pretty much hate most. wtf.

eye.

halfway through the weekend but i'm pretty satisfied. let's say my weekend started early. no school on thursday, and normally there's nothin much to do when you don't have school. but my sister had informed me of this common concert going on at usc, sooooo guess where i was.

that whole day took forever. i had work, 4 hours seemed like 12. i went to best buy, since they're too busy to answer the phone, to check if they had the phone i've been waiting for ever-so-patiently. of course they didn't, so that was a little dissappointing. i ended up buying final fantasy tactics a2 for ds, i can't play pokemon forever. i mean i can but after a while there's not much left to do, i already have all the eevees. i got home and sprint called me saying the phone i want just came out so they let me order it. soooo i shall have the sickest phone ever within the next few days. so around 6.30 i left the house to pick up my sister for the show and head out to usc. we meet up with naomi and her friend, and i convinced chola to come despite her beliefs that she wouldn't make it on time. common's performance was great. it was only the second concert i've been too, but i loved it. i didn't recognize the song he opened with, but he followed it up with 'go' and got the crowd going crazy. i was suprised he did 'come close to me', that's my favorite song that he's made next to 'the corner', which he did later. he also did a couple songs off his upcoming album: 'the eye' [edit:'punch drunk love'] [if anybody actually has this song please tell me where i can get it. i need it, or at least the beat, i reaaaally wanna write to it], and 'universal mind control' [he had pretty much his whole band pop locking during the song]. did anybody know this guy could break though? i didn't know, but i got it on camera, i'll up the clip sometime. after about a hour and a half of performing, he closed it out with a couple freestyles, and now i'm jealous because i want to know how to freestyle.

halloween was pretty wack. nobody was really trick-or-treating. but me, my bro, and my other sister got a room in gardena to chill for the night. i find it weird when i got there and out of my car, i heard 'freak-a-leak' coming from a church across the street, followed by kirk franklin. i know right? so we went to get supplies from albertsons, and we had to take my sisters kids with us. i asked my bestest this question, and now i ask you: what would you think if you saw two young adults, they look no older than 20 really, with a infant and and 5-year-old holding the guy's hand, standing in the alcohol section picking out drinks? cuz that's what just happened. and we're the only ones that know we're not that kinda family, and that i have no kids, so i felt akward as hell. so after we get back, we get into 'intelligent' conversations about things. we started talking about prop 8, my siblings both support it, but because of a religious stand-point. i should be supporting it because of my religion also, but my mind decided to factor in everything else as well. the way i see it is that i want everyone to have a chance to be happy; maybe it works out, most likely not, but that's common for any marraige. it just sucks that for me wanting people to be happy i have to go against my religion by actually saying that. as far as teaching about gay marraige in schools, my siblings said that they would teaching kids this stuff at their most malleable point in life. this is definately true, but i think the reason we cringe at the idea is because we think of it as 1) worst case scenario: teachers focusing on gay marraige more than traditional marraige and 2) it's not traditional, it's not what we're used to, it's not what we were taught, and it's true to say that we do not adapt well with change. do you really think teachers are going to go out of their way to try to influence your kids to marry their own sex. they're not going to make it a mission to turn these kids out. i'm thinking that they'll tell them it's an option and leave it at that, just because it's a law. and i think if people fear a law like that, they need to re-evaluate their own parental skills. as the strongest role models in their own kids lives, i would think they have the most influence towards their child's preferences. in the end, i'm not going to vote either way. it's basically coming down to this: follow the religion they taught me, or keep my belief that one should find love where they find it.

ok, i don't want to talk about politics anymore. like really. so you know how everyone has their drunk habits? i think mine is waking up really early in full energy. there's those times where everyone is syncronized an we all just wake up at the same time and start talking. then there's those times where only i wake up, and everyone else is still knocked. when that happens i tend to flee from battle and go driving, which was no different this morning. i think i was woken up like 10 times within 30 minutes by my bro's phone. the whole time i'm thinking 'got damn somebody really wants to talk to him, they needa calm down it is 7am'. i did realize how annoying the at&t ringtone is after hearing it in heavy rotation. now i sit hear with absolutely nothing to do, my ds is charging, i'm done blogging. no work today, i wanna go see this vampire movie, but i don't know who to go with or what time i should go. it's only playing in west hollywood and pasadena and i don't particularly feel like driving all the way out there just for the movie cuz i have no problem going alone. maybe i'll muster up the will power to green-blue-red-gold line it there.

fuel.

i think i'm ready to start over. with everything. i've already started a new school, i'm supposed to be getting a new job, so why not start everything else over. i'm really thinking of severing ties to virtually all my old aquaintances/friends. of course there's a handful i'd still chill with, but other than that i'm failing to see the point of the others being in my life. i mean these are people i hardly talk to, and rekindling old relationships does not work. it's not my style to randomly hit people up when i need a favor, so do you see a point? i really think im at the end of a three-way road, the light is green so i have to hurry and pick the next road to drive down. i need to meet new people, try new things. these thoughts are really random. like, i randomly feel unappreciated, and it's fueling most of my drive to say and consider these things. the rest of that fuel would be provided by the notion that it'd be fun to sever myself from the world. maybe i should delete or change passwords to myspace/facebook. maybe i should get out bed and do some interacting with the world so i wont feel so negative. i kinda wanna blame this on nick and nora's infinite playlist; i saw it last nite and for some reason i'm jealous. it was like the movie brown sugar, where people fall in love mostly through the influence of music. this is kinda one of the things i want. fuck this sounds gay.

alaska.

i learned a lot last night. negatives: people really are assholes, i'm not enough of an asshole, and i can drink as much as i want as long as i do not sit down. positives: so far i can attest to being immune to the hangover, i will actually look forward to the morning after [not talking about "sexy times"*], and i have great friends.

so i did my second bartending gig last night. it was the mansion party we had long anticipated since the last one a couple months ago. it was funny because s.p. called me while i was at work to tell me that they caught a praying mantis and put it on my bar, and to make up a drink named after the praying mantis. then they proceeded to smoke out the mantis. i'm like wtf, how random can you get?? i did the damn thing though, made up a pretty bomb drink that everybody loved. i'm not telling you what it is though, but it was a bright green mix dubbed "faded mantis." i had the bar for 3 hours, and its pretty chill, besides getting no breaks. the only thing is people tend to not have any freaking manners. i had a couple people start trying to help themselves, cuz i'm apparently just standing behind the bar for fun. i had a couple people try to bullshit me into giving them free drinks after the designated time for free drinks was over. and what's worse, i caught a couple people with their hands in my tip jar. after all this, i figure if i continue to do bartending, i need to start being more of an asshole because these kids can't seem to grasp the concept of respect. maybe next time i'll be all "if i find your hand in my jar again i will fucking murder you." serious face :| you know what else pissed me off?? i had a chicken sandwhich, which somebody bought me before the party even started. i didn't get the time to eat it, but when i went to get it around 1.30am, it wasn't there. somebody ate my gotdamn chicken sandwhich! i never get to eat before/during a party, it's my curse. next time somebody puts their hand on my food, i will kill that mofo.

you ever go to sleep in a warm house and when you wake up and it's freaking alaska in that bitch? i don't know what happened but i had a wifebeater, a shirt, and a thick jacket on when i went to sleep, and somehow they completely lost their functionality. other than that waking up was fun, i spent the night at the house with a handful of other guests and hosts and we all woke up at the same time. i thought this whole period of time was very interesting. you know how everyone gets pretty much blowed the night before, go to sleep tired as hell, then wake up 4 hours later like somebody i.v.'d a couple monster energy drinks into their bloodstreams? so we spent maybe an hour sitting around having random conversations about nothing important, and now i have this kind-of question: wouldn't you think that you'd have the most interesting conversations while your actually drunk rather than when you're not? because this morning we talked about things even more odd than during the actual party. i'm starting to think it's because when we're not under the influence, or at least not as much, we actually have the mental capacity to expand on the nonsense that leaves our mouths. it's like having a political discussion about the party but with numerous added tangents. it sounds retarded i know, but next time you go to a party/kickback and people stay the night, you stay the night too and in the morning witness my theory at work.


oh, and thanks to you guys who came out. i honestly didn't expect so many of my friends to show up. i feel appreciated :D





*credits to Dope Like Louboutins :D

calories.

let's see.

i don't know what's happening. it feels like time has been moving faster than it should. i haven't posted in 9 days, and it feels more like it's been 2 or 3 weeks. it's the third day of the week and i feel like it's already over. i think i know where this feeling comes from. the only thing is that i have two different possibilities. first, i'm tired. second, i've been thinking too much into the distant future about little things: due dates, work schedule, money. i'm liking that 'live today like it's your last' idea, but the line is very thin, making it difficult to distinguish wreckless from carefree. of course, i hold more indifference than the average bear, but it doesn't hold the same joys as being carefree. i'm not happy. at the same time, i'm not sad, angry, dissappointed. i'm bored.

looking into the distant future, however, i see good things coming. after this week my homework load won't be so overwhelming. i mean even though it's not a lot of work, i went for a year with no homework in culinary school, so it takes adjusting. i should also be getting my scholarship check from my church within the next week or two, which will reimburse the 400+ dollars i spent on this semester at school.

school is weird. i have no friends, i'm just gonna throw that out there immediately. i've always went to new schools and classes with the mentality that i'm not here to meet people, but i'm here to just do class and leave. normally i start out ok, then i end up befriending classmates or maybe even seeing someone i've already known. this situation is actually different. once again, i'm pretty much the only person my age, so even if i conversate with some classmates from time to time, i doubt i'll ever actually befriend them. normally black people end up grouping together, but i doubt i'm going to do that. there's this one chick as a matter of fact who comments on every single thing somebody says trying to make a joke or just to be an asshole. i don't know if she's trying to be funny or what, but it's gotten old and she's just coming off as ignorant. whatever. i miss culinary school. i miss highschool. people my age i could relate to and have fun with. how do i end up having to go through this?

i figured out, actually i confirmed, why i've been the same weight for the past 2 years. i'm not eating enough. i thought i ate a lot. i should keep tracking my diet to really make sure this is the case, but that's what i noticed. it's not like i'm missing just a little bit of calories, i'm missing like 40% of what i actually need. man.

i'm done with this post. i really didn't want to write rite now anyway, but i figured i'd never get around to it otherwise :/

actually, one more thing: metro station. it's funny what music i listen to sometimes. i really like this group tho, it's like pop/electro-ish, just check out kelsey and shake it.

oatmeal.

a growing theory of mine was proved to me today. i have to make new friends. i mean a few of the ones i have now are cool, but my aquaintances, the people i'm cool with but don't talk to often, i don't see that changing at all. my theory is that if you're a very quiet person and keep to yourself most of the time, like i was and am still growing out of, people are used to that so it's likely you don't converse or hang with them a lot. of course there are exceptions, which would count for the ones you call real friends. but what happens when you start to break out of your shell? i always thought this was the case, and reading what someone wrote today about one of my friends that share a similar personality with me reassured it: people will not adapt to your change so easily. they may find it weird that you are not the same quiet person. or they may think you are not who they know you are, so it's like you're trying to be someone else. whatever the reason, they will keep their distance from you instead of welcoming your more sociable self. i have tried to make some of the relationships i have with people better by talking more, but it doesn't work because that's not what they're used to. i'm not going to go back to being quiet just for them.. so it'll be better for me to just leave it as is and make new friends. sucks but whatever.

i'm making oatmeal rite now, well i just finished. why did i have to go online to look up how to cook this crap?? cuz it just so happens that my mom put the oatmeal in one of those containers that you put stuff in (shut up lol) and threw the box away with the instructions. i'm sorry i don't know the ratio of water to oatmeal off the top of my head.

tomorrow will be the first day this week i don't have to drive to school thank god.