black cat?

did you see what just happened?!

20 days.

20 days without a word.

it's so hard to escape.

well, my mood is acting like a little bitch again and won't stay constant. i've been starting the days off cheerful, which is good. however, halfway through work i start to not care. granted it makes me get everything done faster somehow, but it's weird. i know i never care about anything but i don't know how to describe a deeper feeling of nothing. like if you watch the first season of dexter, and apply everything he says about his personality to my own (minus the urge to kill... but not minus the destructive nature), it's getting that much closer to being spot on. i think i'm just slowly realizing it's not the best way to live i guess. i dread being at home. i really want to move out, and i've even started putting larger payments towards my car. once that debt is eliminated, i'm gone. it's not even about being independent or grown. it's so that i have a better hiding place. it's getting harder and harder to fake emotions and i'm starting to question whether i have any emotional ties with the people that i know i should. it's not that i fake relationships, but that i sometimes spare feelings to avoid letting people know how i feel as means of being polite. my mother knows i'm kind of introverted but even though i've tried to explain it to her countless times, i'm much more introverted than your normal introvert. i don't know how it must feel for someone to have one of their closest loved ones refuse to show anything. i'm sure it hurts, and it's fucked up. i need a new hiding place. i need to construct and maintain my bonds from a distance i guess. typing this out is actually very confusing; i'm not sure if i'm making my point clear or if i'm coming off too harsh or what. oh well.

on to the brighter side:

summer has started, it's relaxing not having to wake up at 5am for school. i have more summer plans than usual, which is actually just two trips. normally i just go with the flow and just end up going to the beach and partying. i went to vegas for my friend's 21st birthday. i had surprisingly good luck my first time playing craps (maybe because i'm black?), met amazing people, and invented the greatest drink in the WORLD!!! i refuse to be humble about that. next month i'm going to dc to see a paramore and tegan & sara show with one of my two east coast bff's. i want my other bff to bring her ass to la soon so we can be evil together. i'm also hoping the crew gets the ok to run this party next week. we throw amazing parties, btw. i just can't wait to bartend an event. i might take a second job just for fun once school starts again. i want to enjoy my summer nights before i give them up again.

i almost destroyed myself last week. i've been able to practice parkour on saturdays again, and i've been determined to make progress with my skills. so far so good. last week was pretty interesting though. i don't know how to explain the story without parkour terms, which you're probably unfamiliar with, but oh well, google them. i tried to tic-tac and land in a crane from a ledge to the top of a shed, and my foot slipped. somehow i caught myself before i fell although i cut my knee. normally bailing is discouraging but i tried again until i got it. there was another move that is fairly simple but for some reason i can't do it. one of our group members did a tic-tac from a wall to a reverse vault over the railing to a set of stairs. when i used to try that before i was always hesitant, but that day this guy brought some energy bars that he's been promoting and i had eaten one earlier. i don't know what the fuck was in that thing, but i was hyper and strung the fuck out so i was trying shit full-speed/confidence. end result? i tried multiple times. the only attempts worth noting were the ones in which i almost cracked my head open. once again, er.. twice again, i caught myself right before my head made contact with either the ground or the staircase railing. i must say though, i'm really impressed by my reflexes. i find it funny that at the end of the day, one of the younger kids said i'm just like a cat: i climb random things and then lay on them quite lazily. he had a point, add that to my reflexes and it makes a lot of sense.

oh, fuck 40 hour work weeks. i don't know how you people work full time.

language barriers.

i quit my job at radioshack on new year's eve. didn't want to drag that filthy company into the new year. only kidding. that company is filthy but i'm kidding about dragging it into the new year because i still hold no value to the "new year" because i feel if there's a change to be made, then it should be made when it's called for, not because of a new year. that's lazy and some bullshit. so now i'm solely working at kaiser, and i just transfered to work at the mental health center. so what i lack in radioshack stories i'll make up for in crazy people stories. i don't have any crazy people stories yet, so i'm just going to write about how the language barriers between coworkers have been annoying the shit out of me recently. =)

so a hospital's faculty has to take the cake in diversity; it's almost like they go scouting in other countries for employees. i mean everyone speaks enough english to get their job done, which i have no problem with. the accents i have no problem with because i can understand everyone for the most part when i'm spoken to. here's my thing: anytime i'm engaging in a conversation, and there's comes a point where i say something in contrast to their statement, based on my opinion, and they repeat the last thing they said without missing a beat. wtf, right?? they repeat themselves in a way that seems like they're convinced that i just agreed with them. in my head i'm screaming "no, you fucking idiot! i heard what you said, now stop fucking acting like i didn't say something!" it's like telling a wall to move out of my path. and unless i'm reading the look on their faces completely wrong, it's because they just don't understand what i'm talking about. i mean it's either that or they're all egotistical dicks that can't stand to have someone disagree with them, which is rather unlikely don't you think? i don't have this problem with people often, besides from one of my coworkers. it really irks me though. my solution? i've resorted to just blatantly agreeing to everything anyone says. i could care less about about their opinions or sharing my own. besides, i'm not the type to engage in pointless conversations with people who mean nothing to me anyway. which brings me to question why i bothered in the first place... *kanye shrug*

attitude.

so it's been more than two weeks since the new year started and i still haven't posted. but now that i think about it, i don't really care. it's not that big of a deal, you know? not like i ever know what to write about anyway. so, i didn't make any resolutions. i've stopped doing that years ago, at first because i never really tried to keep them, or cause i'd forget. now, it's because i think about it differently, if there's something that needs to change, why wait? why use the excuse of "it's a new year" to start doing new stuff? as we said every day in culinary school, "fuck it" and go.

i've been partying a lot in these past two weeks it seems. i'm sleepy as hell, but it does not stop yet. i have a big month ahead of me, or half a month, i guess. everybody's birthday is this month; mines is thursday. is it me, but are birthdays the hardest thing in the world to remember? i really only remember my mom's without any doubt. everybody else i end up asking for the date 50 times, or i somehow get reminded like 2 days before. i still don't know what i'm doing to celebrate my 20th, and i don't know what to do for anyone elses either. whatever.

seattle in two weeks! we ordered the tickets, it is going, down.

finally, i've set a match to the biggest bridge i've longed to burn. my dad calls me last night literally minutes before i was stepping out to go party. for some strange reason, he's mad that i didn't pick up the phone he bought me, that he said he was going to drop off. make any sense? no. so i explained that to him, and i guess he didn't hear me. i hear i have a problem speaking up, but i guess. so then he jumps into "what is your problem with me??" then i explain for the first time out of five time within a span of 10 minutes, that i don't have a problem with him, i don't hate him, i don't deny him as my father, and that it's simply because i've gotten used to him not being around and i'm in no way motivated to start a new relationship with him, i simply don't care. the thing that was different about this conversation, however, is that i was full on arguing with him. normally, i half listen, knowing what he's going to say. but this time i said "fuck it, he's going to listen to me." i think my attitude had something to do with me not being in my car. i mean i was supposed to be out partying, not arguing with a dumb fuck. sad part is that every time i said something, it was instantly translated into "i hate you, i've been holding animosity against you for years. wahhh wahh!!" so eventually i just gave up and resorted to amusing myself by pissing him off every chance i got. it was really the funniest conversation i've ever had after i realized his brain couldn't process a single thing i told him. who woulda thought an argument would amp me up to go party?

mantids.

i talk too much.

it feels good though, you know, to have something to write about for three days straight. and i don't think the streak stops after this. tomorrow i'll have something to blog about, same with saturday. only thing is that i probably won't have time to write on saturday, but whatever.

i was feeling pretty crappy last nite, i'll explain in tomorrow's post. but today i feel a lot better. the day went overall well even though i still have 6 hours and 56 minutes to fuck it up. everything kind of resolved myself, and now i don't have an overload of my own seemingly heavy thoughts.

my "seth rogen from kung fu panda"'s hatched finally. i thought i'd be waiting until spring, but guess not. i have yet to see them fight but i see some bodies laying around.

i was thinking about how i don't want to grow old again. i know i sounds weird but i'm just not feeling it. of course i'm happy for everyone who's made it 50+ years, but as of right now, it's not for me. maybe in a few years i'll actually look forward to living a long life with grandchildren and convalescent homes. but for now i'm thinking of making it to about 40-45 years, then i'll invest in that ostrich or other potentially dangerous animal i've always wanted. then someday, in reference to me, someone will say "things happen," and make this face: =/

i like this quote: "and believe me, in every man there's a code written that says: tackle drunk bitches.' [40-year-old virgin] i have a mission for next wednesday damnit! only i'm not after a literally "drunk bitch", or a "bitch"... ok fuck it nevermind.

calories.

let's see.

i don't know what's happening. it feels like time has been moving faster than it should. i haven't posted in 9 days, and it feels more like it's been 2 or 3 weeks. it's the third day of the week and i feel like it's already over. i think i know where this feeling comes from. the only thing is that i have two different possibilities. first, i'm tired. second, i've been thinking too much into the distant future about little things: due dates, work schedule, money. i'm liking that 'live today like it's your last' idea, but the line is very thin, making it difficult to distinguish wreckless from carefree. of course, i hold more indifference than the average bear, but it doesn't hold the same joys as being carefree. i'm not happy. at the same time, i'm not sad, angry, dissappointed. i'm bored.

looking into the distant future, however, i see good things coming. after this week my homework load won't be so overwhelming. i mean even though it's not a lot of work, i went for a year with no homework in culinary school, so it takes adjusting. i should also be getting my scholarship check from my church within the next week or two, which will reimburse the 400+ dollars i spent on this semester at school.

school is weird. i have no friends, i'm just gonna throw that out there immediately. i've always went to new schools and classes with the mentality that i'm not here to meet people, but i'm here to just do class and leave. normally i start out ok, then i end up befriending classmates or maybe even seeing someone i've already known. this situation is actually different. once again, i'm pretty much the only person my age, so even if i conversate with some classmates from time to time, i doubt i'll ever actually befriend them. normally black people end up grouping together, but i doubt i'm going to do that. there's this one chick as a matter of fact who comments on every single thing somebody says trying to make a joke or just to be an asshole. i don't know if she's trying to be funny or what, but it's gotten old and she's just coming off as ignorant. whatever. i miss culinary school. i miss highschool. people my age i could relate to and have fun with. how do i end up having to go through this?

i figured out, actually i confirmed, why i've been the same weight for the past 2 years. i'm not eating enough. i thought i ate a lot. i should keep tracking my diet to really make sure this is the case, but that's what i noticed. it's not like i'm missing just a little bit of calories, i'm missing like 40% of what i actually need. man.

i'm done with this post. i really didn't want to write rite now anyway, but i figured i'd never get around to it otherwise :/

actually, one more thing: metro station. it's funny what music i listen to sometimes. i really like this group tho, it's like pop/electro-ish, just check out kelsey and shake it.

oatmeal.

a growing theory of mine was proved to me today. i have to make new friends. i mean a few of the ones i have now are cool, but my aquaintances, the people i'm cool with but don't talk to often, i don't see that changing at all. my theory is that if you're a very quiet person and keep to yourself most of the time, like i was and am still growing out of, people are used to that so it's likely you don't converse or hang with them a lot. of course there are exceptions, which would count for the ones you call real friends. but what happens when you start to break out of your shell? i always thought this was the case, and reading what someone wrote today about one of my friends that share a similar personality with me reassured it: people will not adapt to your change so easily. they may find it weird that you are not the same quiet person. or they may think you are not who they know you are, so it's like you're trying to be someone else. whatever the reason, they will keep their distance from you instead of welcoming your more sociable self. i have tried to make some of the relationships i have with people better by talking more, but it doesn't work because that's not what they're used to. i'm not going to go back to being quiet just for them.. so it'll be better for me to just leave it as is and make new friends. sucks but whatever.

i'm making oatmeal rite now, well i just finished. why did i have to go online to look up how to cook this crap?? cuz it just so happens that my mom put the oatmeal in one of those containers that you put stuff in (shut up lol) and threw the box away with the instructions. i'm sorry i don't know the ratio of water to oatmeal off the top of my head.

tomorrow will be the first day this week i don't have to drive to school thank god.

indifference.

so rite now im tryin to watch 40-year-old virgin. i've never seen the movie all the way through, so why not tonite u kno? only problem is that i'm streaming it and it's taking it's sweet time. so i have to pause it and let it load more, not to mention it's broken into 3 videos so that's more waiting. but at least the down time is making me blog.

"just come back". comment from my last post by diamondsr4eva. oh, i came back :D. i wrote a couple verses to Nas' Hero track, and i love myself for it. i'm thinkin i'll post it soon. or when me and my bro record over the beat, i'll post that. either or. it feels good tho when u've stopped somthing for a while, then all of a sudden you start again and you're almost on a different level if not just as skilled. not tryin to be cocky/full of myself, but that's just how it feels. i'm sure u've been there before.

i have to watch that Black in America thing that was on CNN. my mom recorded it while i was at school and she told me i need to watch it. i knew about beforehand but i'd forgotten the date, so at least it's there. honestly tho, as much as i kno i probably should watch it, i don't really want to. i'm not as interested as i should be. i probably won't change the way i live after watching it. even if it changes the way i think, it probably won't be for too long. i'm not an informed person. i don't watch the news, i don't follow politics. "i guess i'm dead cuz i ain't listen to Diddy" or Puff, however that Lupe quote goes. i'm just full of indifference. i don't need stuff to worry about. i just want to live. this is the one subject i hate conversating with adults about. they believe i need to stay informed, that i need to exercise my right to vote. i understand the importance, the consequences, and the reasons behind it. i just can't force myself to.. care. as insensitive as it may sound: i didn't ask anybody to fight for my right to vote, so y guilt trip me about what you heard that people went through. i don't expect u to agree with me or even respect me for that but that's what's in my heart. besides, it's a right to vote, meaning it's a choice, an option available to me. let me choose.

also i've been thinking that niggas needa calm down about cops lol. i know we've all had some bad experiences. i mean people must be on one to think cops have no purpose but to bring you down. u really think they care about ur being that much to sit around and try to catch you fuckin up? come on now.. i know that some cops do focus on certain people and hope they get a good catch, their mama's never taught them respect, they grabbed your balls, whatever, but honestly, every single cop u have met has not been a total asshole, and if you really believe that i think u have something to do with it. i mean it's the same thing as someone who has a problem making friends with a certain group of people. when girls say the guys they date are all the same. i've heard many times that you affect what comes into your own life. your tounge can create, and your mind has a magnetic power. i only really started thinkin about cuz damn near every rapper has to throw "fuck the cops/police" in an album. i mean i don't hate cops, nor do i support everything they do. i have my indifference as usual. i guess i'm just puzzled as to why people put so much time into pointless things like that. shoot me.

i just know there was more to write but now i can't remember :/
o well, back to 40-year-old virgin.. which has only loaded half of the first third of the movie damnit!!

earthquake.

i find it wierd i can never feel one specific way. i can never be just happy or just down. maybe that's with everybody; i doubt it, but who knows? i feel like coldplay's new cd, if that makes sense. by the way, that cd is the shit. and i guess if you use deductive reasoning, (i feel like coldplay's new cd, and that cd is the shit) then i guess i am the shit. i like how that works out, i'm happy. :)

im playing pokemon pearl, and i'm almost at the end. i just find it annoying that every gotdamn pokemon in the elite 4 has earthquake.

don't you hate when an extremely cute girl (or if you are a girl, vice-versa) comes into your job and for whatever reason you can't do anything about it? that happened to me today, just like it did last week. but i guess i shouldn't stress because judging by past experiences they're almost 30 and have children. now i am into older girls, but definately not that old, i'm only talking a couple years older. but it seems like all the ones that look a little bit older than my age are actually a lot older than my age; the ones that look my age are actually underaged. this some bullshit.

so i have a younger twin. i won't go into detail today but he prooved the relativity to me again, it's kinda crazy.

and once again i'll be late for school, but it's ok because i'm black and we're used to it.

i'm kidding, i normally try to stay on time, just not to this class.

[edit]

so i forgot to write about what made me want to write in the first place. i've already been the type of person to not care about much, which is an understatement, because there's a lot that i don't care about. and at times there's no good reason for it, but i can normally defend by saying there's no good reason to care. what i've noticed lately though, is that i'm starting to care even more. in terms of relationships/friendships i've found myself slipping away from 3 specific people, and the sad part is that i'm not really bothered by it. i think i should care a little, i mean they haven't even done anything to negatively affect our relationship but i just feel like letting go..

and i am so mad i haven't listened to nas in a minute. I listened to stilmatic on the way home from school and it was like the best thing in the world. i'm slippin.