leaving.

i should definitely be sleeping now, but i'm eating a huge bowl of cereal instead, listening to a rotating ashanti's 'only you [instrumental]'. it's such a powerful beat, i wrote some lyrics to it a couple years ago, ill post it at the end. anyway, my point to this post: in roughly 6 hours, i will be waiting for my flight. i am leaving. only for a little while though, i wish i was leaving leaving. but that trip to seattle i spoke of begins in the morning. i'm not excited, but i am looking forward to it. a birthday present to myself. i have a feeling ill come back with some diet-related illness, if not a cold.

so, are you one of those people that are observant enough to know when you're friends are having problems? and more specifically do you easily pinpoint the source without them talking to you about it? if so, how do you like that characteristic about yourself? i don't know if i should be ecstatic about that ability or not. i mean, it sucks to sympathize for someone without them being able to know, you know? and it'd be weird for me to come out and start a conversation about their business with them when they haven't exactly opted to talk about it with you. this is where i resort to secretly cheering them up, hope it works.

ok, i sleep now. [yes, i meant for that to be grammatically incorrect.]

reasonable.

so far, so bad. i hate today, and i'm hoping the next 3 hours and 40 minutes will save my opinion of new years eve, 08.

i woke up today at 8.30, and was my zune was frozen. it's still frozen. this means i have to burn mix cds and touch my dash board more often. this needs to be changed before i start school again and skate back forth from parking lots to class. i need a new zune or a new ipod, or a techie jesus.

i think being mad at my zune and immediately cursing the entire day led to me being extremely irritable for its remainder. you how they say you can speak or will things into existence? im pretty sure i did that. i pretty much wanted to slap 90% of the customers i dealt with today. i really hope that it was just one of those days where everybody's a dumbass and i'm acting perfectly reasonable, but i doubt those days even exist.

now it seems like the majority of my friends are asking me about party info for tonite. normally it feels pretty cool, everybody waitin on you and you pretty schedule whats goin down. rite now, however, i'm a lil annoyed, and a lil confused on what to do. i could easily hit up several kickbacks, or even a club. but im not in the mood really. im kinda down to house party. i'm not even sure if i want to drink now. damnit.

accent.

yesterday was pretty chill. went to work, and me and my boss pretty talked the whole time about random stuff. you know how like normally your boss doesn't want you standing around all the time doing nothing? we did nothing for my whole 4 hour shift. basically talked about random stuff, like which actresses are really hot and other things. i think i figured out why i like hispanic girls so much: it's the tone in their voice. im not talking about the accent, but a lot of them have a really gentle [?] voice thats really easy to listen to. and of course the accent tops it off and adds the sexy. my favorite accent, however, is english. whew... another thing i was thinking about, due to being told that i have an old soul, do you think that would have any kind of effect on people my age understanding me, or even hinder me from making a connection in relationship situations with someone my age? i doubt it, and i definitely don't want to make it an excuse, but could it be something to think about?

i finally took a trip to michaels art supply store! ive been meaning to pick up some poster frames for these prints i bought from a friend and a drawing i did. i also got the last piece of my airbrush set, so i should be starting my practice soon, and immediately following, more art. im really happy i could finally hang up these pieces tho, especially the ones from 3satva [http://www.myspace.com/3satva]. check out his page and look for the pieces 'deluge' and 'xochitl', which are proudly, and fucking beautifully, hanging on my walls. the piece i did is of an anime character 'c.c.' of code geass, black and white in ink.

i also finally got to see 'zack and miri make a porno.' i think its just one those things i have to do: see anything with seth rogen, or produced by kevin smith or judd apatow. it was playing at the 3 dollar movies, and i had nothing planned after work, so i went. it was pretty short, but it was a good movie. it actually gets better the more i think about it. and the weird thing is, this movie makes me want to find love more than any other movie has. i mean you look at the title and you're probably like, 'what the fuck are u talking about?' but if you've seen it, please tell me you know how i feel, or least you have an idea how i feel. it's probably just because miri [elizabeth banks] is freaking hot, especially in this movie, and i secretly wanna hit that. i also think it's because while they're filming all the scenes everyone is actually having porn sex, and when it gets to zack and miri, they end up making love, so its kind of a sharp transition. the song they play the minute they start makes it even more powerful. live - hold me up. check it out. this band can actually be a separate post in itself as im currently listening to their other songs. wow.

eye.

halfway through the weekend but i'm pretty satisfied. let's say my weekend started early. no school on thursday, and normally there's nothin much to do when you don't have school. but my sister had informed me of this common concert going on at usc, sooooo guess where i was.

that whole day took forever. i had work, 4 hours seemed like 12. i went to best buy, since they're too busy to answer the phone, to check if they had the phone i've been waiting for ever-so-patiently. of course they didn't, so that was a little dissappointing. i ended up buying final fantasy tactics a2 for ds, i can't play pokemon forever. i mean i can but after a while there's not much left to do, i already have all the eevees. i got home and sprint called me saying the phone i want just came out so they let me order it. soooo i shall have the sickest phone ever within the next few days. so around 6.30 i left the house to pick up my sister for the show and head out to usc. we meet up with naomi and her friend, and i convinced chola to come despite her beliefs that she wouldn't make it on time. common's performance was great. it was only the second concert i've been too, but i loved it. i didn't recognize the song he opened with, but he followed it up with 'go' and got the crowd going crazy. i was suprised he did 'come close to me', that's my favorite song that he's made next to 'the corner', which he did later. he also did a couple songs off his upcoming album: 'the eye' [edit:'punch drunk love'] [if anybody actually has this song please tell me where i can get it. i need it, or at least the beat, i reaaaally wanna write to it], and 'universal mind control' [he had pretty much his whole band pop locking during the song]. did anybody know this guy could break though? i didn't know, but i got it on camera, i'll up the clip sometime. after about a hour and a half of performing, he closed it out with a couple freestyles, and now i'm jealous because i want to know how to freestyle.

halloween was pretty wack. nobody was really trick-or-treating. but me, my bro, and my other sister got a room in gardena to chill for the night. i find it weird when i got there and out of my car, i heard 'freak-a-leak' coming from a church across the street, followed by kirk franklin. i know right? so we went to get supplies from albertsons, and we had to take my sisters kids with us. i asked my bestest this question, and now i ask you: what would you think if you saw two young adults, they look no older than 20 really, with a infant and and 5-year-old holding the guy's hand, standing in the alcohol section picking out drinks? cuz that's what just happened. and we're the only ones that know we're not that kinda family, and that i have no kids, so i felt akward as hell. so after we get back, we get into 'intelligent' conversations about things. we started talking about prop 8, my siblings both support it, but because of a religious stand-point. i should be supporting it because of my religion also, but my mind decided to factor in everything else as well. the way i see it is that i want everyone to have a chance to be happy; maybe it works out, most likely not, but that's common for any marraige. it just sucks that for me wanting people to be happy i have to go against my religion by actually saying that. as far as teaching about gay marraige in schools, my siblings said that they would teaching kids this stuff at their most malleable point in life. this is definately true, but i think the reason we cringe at the idea is because we think of it as 1) worst case scenario: teachers focusing on gay marraige more than traditional marraige and 2) it's not traditional, it's not what we're used to, it's not what we were taught, and it's true to say that we do not adapt well with change. do you really think teachers are going to go out of their way to try to influence your kids to marry their own sex. they're not going to make it a mission to turn these kids out. i'm thinking that they'll tell them it's an option and leave it at that, just because it's a law. and i think if people fear a law like that, they need to re-evaluate their own parental skills. as the strongest role models in their own kids lives, i would think they have the most influence towards their child's preferences. in the end, i'm not going to vote either way. it's basically coming down to this: follow the religion they taught me, or keep my belief that one should find love where they find it.

ok, i don't want to talk about politics anymore. like really. so you know how everyone has their drunk habits? i think mine is waking up really early in full energy. there's those times where everyone is syncronized an we all just wake up at the same time and start talking. then there's those times where only i wake up, and everyone else is still knocked. when that happens i tend to flee from battle and go driving, which was no different this morning. i think i was woken up like 10 times within 30 minutes by my bro's phone. the whole time i'm thinking 'got damn somebody really wants to talk to him, they needa calm down it is 7am'. i did realize how annoying the at&t ringtone is after hearing it in heavy rotation. now i sit hear with absolutely nothing to do, my ds is charging, i'm done blogging. no work today, i wanna go see this vampire movie, but i don't know who to go with or what time i should go. it's only playing in west hollywood and pasadena and i don't particularly feel like driving all the way out there just for the movie cuz i have no problem going alone. maybe i'll muster up the will power to green-blue-red-gold line it there.

citation.

i like how i kind of just put a limit on my life. i have about 45 years, tops, left to live. ive requested to about 6 people that if i get any older they need to kill me. one person relunctantly said ok, hopefully they can pull it off. ive already mentioned that i dont want to get old in another post, but my desires have grown even more of a spinal cord. today i interned at a convalescent home. i officially have a reason to die early. god forbid i end up in one of those. half of them were depressed or bed ridden. there was one guy who kept trying to ask me if i took the phone from him, wtf, who are you? and there was another guy in a wheelchair sitting at a corner, facing the same position for the whole time i was there. i was there for 5 hours. can u imagine sitting in one place for 5 hours straight?? he did not have a gameboy or ipod, fuck that. i'm probably going to hell, huh? i might try to work there though, full time job cooking job, small kitchen pretty much all to myself. lots of work, but i love the sound of it. if the petite chicas at the last hospital i worked at can i do why can't i?


coheed & cambria is officially like the sickest rock band since 2002. fuck limp bizkit. fuck soad, fuck linkin park. not really cuz i love those bands too, but seriously? check out coheed & cambria. they can literally influence you to get yourself a speeding citation. for reals, i would know. funny part is i wasn't even mad about it. weird part is my mom wasnt even mad about it.


i think im writing lyrics again, just finished a sexy rhyme to 'girls all around the world' [lloyd.lil wayne]. complete with army fatigue-like punchlines. explaining them felt like a college english class when you have a discussion to analyze elements in one of those classic books like the great gatsby or somthin. i guess im just that great :D

i'm having fun rebuilding my music collection. i got flyleaf's entire album, and they are officially my favorite female singer rock band. i got discographies from paramore, evanescence, coheed & cambria, and dragonforce. i got a couple backyard babies cd's, colbie callait [shut the hell up], a clash cd, the poison cd that has my song: talk dirty to me, and a beastie boys cd. i can't wait to learn all the lyrics to the beastie boys cd, so i can bump it on the street rapping with it. tell me that wouldn't weird you out. it seems i'm definately straying away from hip-hop... but i kinda don't need more hip-hop, i have complete discographies of nas, krayzie bone, and lupe fiasco. i don't need much more than that.

i think i'll go to church tonite, i need it.

delete.

i have a dare for you. delete your music collection.

there's been a couple times where i've had huge music collections on my computer. and what happens is that for whatever reasons my computer crashes and i have to get a new one or restore it, thus causing me to lose amounts of music that can be played non-stop for about 2 weeks straight. the thing is, however, that everytime i've had to rebuild my collection, it came back better than ever. so i feel like doing it again, cept it'll be my fault this time. you should try it though. i'm pretty much gonna delete everything but about 10%-15% of my total which will compensate for the songs i kno i'll never find again, and my instrumentals. should be fun.

fuel.

i think i'm ready to start over. with everything. i've already started a new school, i'm supposed to be getting a new job, so why not start everything else over. i'm really thinking of severing ties to virtually all my old aquaintances/friends. of course there's a handful i'd still chill with, but other than that i'm failing to see the point of the others being in my life. i mean these are people i hardly talk to, and rekindling old relationships does not work. it's not my style to randomly hit people up when i need a favor, so do you see a point? i really think im at the end of a three-way road, the light is green so i have to hurry and pick the next road to drive down. i need to meet new people, try new things. these thoughts are really random. like, i randomly feel unappreciated, and it's fueling most of my drive to say and consider these things. the rest of that fuel would be provided by the notion that it'd be fun to sever myself from the world. maybe i should delete or change passwords to myspace/facebook. maybe i should get out bed and do some interacting with the world so i wont feel so negative. i kinda wanna blame this on nick and nora's infinite playlist; i saw it last nite and for some reason i'm jealous. it was like the movie brown sugar, where people fall in love mostly through the influence of music. this is kinda one of the things i want. fuck this sounds gay.

calories.

let's see.

i don't know what's happening. it feels like time has been moving faster than it should. i haven't posted in 9 days, and it feels more like it's been 2 or 3 weeks. it's the third day of the week and i feel like it's already over. i think i know where this feeling comes from. the only thing is that i have two different possibilities. first, i'm tired. second, i've been thinking too much into the distant future about little things: due dates, work schedule, money. i'm liking that 'live today like it's your last' idea, but the line is very thin, making it difficult to distinguish wreckless from carefree. of course, i hold more indifference than the average bear, but it doesn't hold the same joys as being carefree. i'm not happy. at the same time, i'm not sad, angry, dissappointed. i'm bored.

looking into the distant future, however, i see good things coming. after this week my homework load won't be so overwhelming. i mean even though it's not a lot of work, i went for a year with no homework in culinary school, so it takes adjusting. i should also be getting my scholarship check from my church within the next week or two, which will reimburse the 400+ dollars i spent on this semester at school.

school is weird. i have no friends, i'm just gonna throw that out there immediately. i've always went to new schools and classes with the mentality that i'm not here to meet people, but i'm here to just do class and leave. normally i start out ok, then i end up befriending classmates or maybe even seeing someone i've already known. this situation is actually different. once again, i'm pretty much the only person my age, so even if i conversate with some classmates from time to time, i doubt i'll ever actually befriend them. normally black people end up grouping together, but i doubt i'm going to do that. there's this one chick as a matter of fact who comments on every single thing somebody says trying to make a joke or just to be an asshole. i don't know if she's trying to be funny or what, but it's gotten old and she's just coming off as ignorant. whatever. i miss culinary school. i miss highschool. people my age i could relate to and have fun with. how do i end up having to go through this?

i figured out, actually i confirmed, why i've been the same weight for the past 2 years. i'm not eating enough. i thought i ate a lot. i should keep tracking my diet to really make sure this is the case, but that's what i noticed. it's not like i'm missing just a little bit of calories, i'm missing like 40% of what i actually need. man.

i'm done with this post. i really didn't want to write rite now anyway, but i figured i'd never get around to it otherwise :/

actually, one more thing: metro station. it's funny what music i listen to sometimes. i really like this group tho, it's like pop/electro-ish, just check out kelsey and shake it.

glasses.

yesterday was one of the better fridays, except for the morning. i woke up earlier so i could make waffles for breakfast and found out we didn't have even one egg; i had to eat frosted flakes. not that there's anything wrong with frosted flakes, but when you were planning on having homemade waffles instead frosted flakes can suck one.

i got my new glasses finally. nobody's gonna steal these while im working. well i just won't take them to work.

i had pinkberry for the first time in my life. i admit it was good, but i don't see why people treat it like it's crack. i remember when they first opened i thought it was a club or kick-it spot the way people were talking about "i gotta go to pinkberry's tonight" and whatnot. everybody's been telling me they're gonna take me and i was never enthusiastic about it. but yesterday my sis took me to the one she works at so i finally got to see what the hype was about.

you ever notice that any time u go to the beach, no matter what you do: swim, play, lay down, you always leave exhausted? i went after pinkberries with my sis and we just chilled for a bit. it was cool since i haven't seen her in a minute so we got to catch up and share stories about how stupid and/or anal and/or retarded our customers can get. all the houses at hermosa beach are all completely different. it's just crazy how freaking rich these people are/were to have their house built how they want. i want that, not to be rich, but i want to design my own house. so there's this guy that live off the beach that waters his windows, just thought i'd mention that. he doesn't have much grass to water so i guess something has to make up for it, right? i swear i saw a bear at the beach, that's all im gonna say.

forget pinkberry, in n out is crack. i passed by one on the way home and had to stop. i eat too much, except for today. i had a banana and some donuts.

i'm mad i went to a pretty good party last nite, but i couldn't get into it. i don't know if it was because my knees hurt, or because i was tired, or because it was like an oven in there. it's my homie's bday today so ushered it in the correct way. it was pretty chill tho, just next time i hope i can loosen up like normal. i like how the party migrated to a denny's 10 miles away from the spot. and it kinda sucks how when you're at the party and it's dark and whatnot so you don't really know what everybody looks like. thank God i didn't try to get a number...

i finally found out what that song was called: Spaceships In Bankhead w/ Jeezy. that mess is fresh.

brrrrrr.

don't you love those songs that make you wonder where hip-hop has lost its way but at the same time they make you act up at a party/club/gala event? i think it's fair to be hypocritical sometimes.

i miss chappelle's show. i had the first 2 seasons on dvd but i can't find either and it makes me sad. i wanna see general cornrow wallace, and "i'm from the streets man! g-g-g-g-g-g-g-unit!", and "ay chad, i had sex with katie too, mayne... katie has some big ass tittays". that guy was great.

i do not like the first of the month. it gets super busy as work. normally i like dealing with my customers, or laughing at them, but the increase just makes it annoying. what can i do, people like to buy crap they don't need, and pay for those nigga phones hahaha.

hmm i don't have much else to say. i want to see pineapple express tho!

playlist.

i've been listening to one kind of music lately. i don't know how to label it though, it's not a specific genre, there are songs from all across the board. this list includes Common's 'Come Close To Me,' The Stroke's 'You Only Live Once,' Weezer's 'Island in the Sun,' No Doubt's 'Simple Kind of Life,' and Marvin Gaye's 'I Want You.' i don''t know what that means or how i feel but ok. sad part is that i tried to write again last night and this comes out:

i look out a window it's nothing clear
all i see is my face it's like a mirror
look away as if disgraced or if i saw somethin i fear
and if i stand in my place it'll keep drawing near
and it's nothing i can erase so which way do i steer?
wishing i could sway and just drift in this rain
tumble into an ocean and let it take me away
just float on my back til my skin corrodes
and fingers and toes soak til the appearance is old
when i, dream my skies are grey
and the clouds in which i lay are like a rocky terrain
and i stare at the concrete which rejected my feet
i feel the wind escape my presence as i fall in my sleep

i don't know if it's sadness or nonchalance or a mix of both.

anyway yesterday, for the first time in forever, i went shopping. and, for the first time in forever, i bought some jeans. i also discovered a small cult of guys who have had the same two pairs of jeans since highschool. i felt like i was home, but then i left home buy buying two more pairs. but i'm happy.

and tuesday i began to rediscover my artistic side. my friend from my accounting class invited to chill with his people. it was pretty cool; the people i met were some of the coolest black people you can find. not to put my own people down but anybody who is black, and anybody of any race, knows their people are on some shit sometimes. but this group was a fresh breath. one cat was a super smart guy, "blessed with the gift of speech." another was an artist. anything but a typical conversation. i got connected with a lady who does catering so i might have jobs on the side and i get to build experience in a kitchen. anyway, we did a couple stencil designs for tees and hoodies. this was my first time ever doing a stencil so of course im happily drawing until the homie points out i don't have any breaks that allow the entire picture to follow through once i cut it out. in other words i would've made, instead of a stencil, a shaped hole. but it came out really nice, at least i liked it:


(it says "g-eazy")