lions.

[dated 07.28.2008]

so i'm writing this while my internet is taking an unauthorized nap. for some reason it feels weird typing it up on wordpad, i normally only use this program to write lyrics. i know that doesn't explain why it feels weird.

i finally washed the rabbit today. it looks beautiful, its coat is all shiny now. sad part is by tomorrow its most likely going to be dirty again. don't you hate when you're washing your car, you get to the windows and think its all good, only to find them blurred with a weird effect that turns your windshield into the fucking aurora borealis when the sun hits it?

i just got home from ditching class to hang with the homegirl. i finally saw batman. first of all, shut up. and second, you notice that nobody calls it the dark knight? i just got through telling my bro yesterday that this was one of those movies where the title has nothing to do with the actual movie, and making 'the dark knight' the last words in the movie means nothing. it was a really good movie though. i was drawn into the whole thing until batman spoke. was he that mad in the first movie? who was he so angry at that he had to use that voice all the time? morgan freeman was/is a g. i think alina is right about the penguin, and i figured out two-face pretty early and im pretty proud of that. i didn't think he'd actually appear in the movie though. after some thought, however, this movie was just like spiderman 3, the layout was. you think the movies are over at a certain point but they go on, they introduced like 12 more villains in the last 30 minutes in both movies, harry got half his face blown up and harvey got half his face burned up, and in spiderman everybody cried and in batman everybody was angry.

lions are sick. i'm talking about the band though. screw the animal, it's all about foxes, and ostriches, and rabbits. speaking of animals, i feel like a pig. yesterday i ate so much: cereal in the morning, animal-style fries (which i'm suprised didn't kill me with the cheese and all), a double meat burger, biscuits, chicken all between about 2pm and 5pm, then a veggie omelette, hashbrowns, and pancakes before i went to bed. when i woke up, my stomach was growling.

i wasnt crazy. i thought this orange juice ive been drinking all last week looked a little strange. the thing is, though, it wasnt expired. it looked kind of pastel-ish, i mean i dont know if there was too calcium in the area or what, but i didn't think it was normal. also, it didnt taste normal. but i had the hardest time distinguishing it from my memory of regular orange juice. the only reason i drank the whole carton was to get to the one my mom just bought so i could find out if i was losing it. looking at the content of my terentino-style paragraph, the result is obvious.

i don't know if you go to church or not. but is it normal for people to draw out their discussions farther than everyone knows they should? i guess at my church it is. people talk way more than they need to sometimes. im not saying the things they say or mean are wrong or bad or anything, but sometimes they go too far. it just makes them sound funny. like yesterday (although it might not be 'yesterday' since i cant post damnit!) im at church, and this lady compared humpty dumpty to how it sometimes feel like you're broken into many pieces and only God can put you back together. they way i described that was pretty simple and you get the message behind that, rite? so instead of something similar to that, this opts to tell the entire story of humpty dumpty so enthusiasticly that it turned into an epic novel, then compared it to God putting your life back together. all im saying is 5 minutes couldve been 5 seconds. sorry, i just have somthing against wasted time and pointless actions.

headphones.

so i did the smart thing to do and left my computer on all nite to allow a full torrent file of 40-year-old virgin to save itself to my computer. i will see that movie damnit.

i watched the 'Black In America' movie. i kno it's not a movie but come on that ish was 2 hours long. i guess it was interesting to see different perspectives and beliefs about the nature, habits, and thoughts of and towards our people. i figure when my mom asks me if i watched it i'll say exactly that and only that. i don't have any follow up comments, not to my suprise.

[edit 07.26.08]

i watched the 'Black In America' movie. i kno it's not a movie but come on that ish was 2 hours long. i guess it was interesting to see different perspectives and beliefs about the nature, habits, and thoughts of and towards our people. i figure when my mom asks me if i watched it i'll say exactly that and only that. i mean they didn't tell me anything that i wasn't already aware of. of course i kno statistics by heart, but i don't need those to know shit is fucked up. and now that i'm thinking about it more, this show wasn't made for black people. although i suppose there are a large amount that are oblivious to this stuff, i'm almost sure they didn't care to watch it. i'm honestly starting to think this whole thing was filmed to show other people, and especially white people, why we act the way we do, to show our wounds. is it an excuse? are we looking for sympathy? or wtf. i mean i really hope not, but who knows.

homemade chicken and waffles :D i probably won't have to eat for like 5 more hours. knowing me i'll eat within 2. i should be fat. i should also shut up because i appreciate not being fat, as much as i eat.

i can't wait for rock band 2. i'm not sure tho if i should skip guitar hero world tour. i just know they're both gonna cost more than 100, rock band 2 is gonna be easy as shit, and guitar hero is gonna be difficult as shit, based on past experience.

i think i'm developing a new pet peeve at work. it's so annoying when people completley waste your time. i understand that half of los angeles county understands technology at even a 1st grade level, and i don't mind taking my time to explain how things work. that's not my job description tho.. all they really ask of me is to sell stuff and follow their little programs and focuses. but when i do take my time to teach a customer about something or do more than what i need to like open stuff so they can demo it, the least they can do is appreciate it, or better yet, buy somethin lol.. for instance, this guy comes into the store with some headphones that he wanted an adapter for and to test and see if they still worked. so i'm nice enough to let him test them before he bought the adapter, i plug it up to a radio and let him listen. guess what this asshole does: he tells me they work then hands me the headphones and says i can keep them. wtf rite? so i just threw em away while he was standing there. he doesn't buy the adapter and if he did say thank you it wasn't sincere anyway so that was a complete waste of my time. i have plenty of stories similar to that but i think you get my point. who wants to keep helping people out like that if half the customers are gonna be ungrateful? but i guess this why we at radioshack are masters of the bs. if we don't feel like helping you for whatever reason, we'll have the best excuse in world with your name on it. and if u try to call corporate we'll just call before u do and be like the little kid who goes to mommy and tells them their side of story so that they don't get in trouble cuz it's not their fault. i love my job.

indifference.

so rite now im tryin to watch 40-year-old virgin. i've never seen the movie all the way through, so why not tonite u kno? only problem is that i'm streaming it and it's taking it's sweet time. so i have to pause it and let it load more, not to mention it's broken into 3 videos so that's more waiting. but at least the down time is making me blog.

"just come back". comment from my last post by diamondsr4eva. oh, i came back :D. i wrote a couple verses to Nas' Hero track, and i love myself for it. i'm thinkin i'll post it soon. or when me and my bro record over the beat, i'll post that. either or. it feels good tho when u've stopped somthing for a while, then all of a sudden you start again and you're almost on a different level if not just as skilled. not tryin to be cocky/full of myself, but that's just how it feels. i'm sure u've been there before.

i have to watch that Black in America thing that was on CNN. my mom recorded it while i was at school and she told me i need to watch it. i knew about beforehand but i'd forgotten the date, so at least it's there. honestly tho, as much as i kno i probably should watch it, i don't really want to. i'm not as interested as i should be. i probably won't change the way i live after watching it. even if it changes the way i think, it probably won't be for too long. i'm not an informed person. i don't watch the news, i don't follow politics. "i guess i'm dead cuz i ain't listen to Diddy" or Puff, however that Lupe quote goes. i'm just full of indifference. i don't need stuff to worry about. i just want to live. this is the one subject i hate conversating with adults about. they believe i need to stay informed, that i need to exercise my right to vote. i understand the importance, the consequences, and the reasons behind it. i just can't force myself to.. care. as insensitive as it may sound: i didn't ask anybody to fight for my right to vote, so y guilt trip me about what you heard that people went through. i don't expect u to agree with me or even respect me for that but that's what's in my heart. besides, it's a right to vote, meaning it's a choice, an option available to me. let me choose.

also i've been thinking that niggas needa calm down about cops lol. i know we've all had some bad experiences. i mean people must be on one to think cops have no purpose but to bring you down. u really think they care about ur being that much to sit around and try to catch you fuckin up? come on now.. i know that some cops do focus on certain people and hope they get a good catch, their mama's never taught them respect, they grabbed your balls, whatever, but honestly, every single cop u have met has not been a total asshole, and if you really believe that i think u have something to do with it. i mean it's the same thing as someone who has a problem making friends with a certain group of people. when girls say the guys they date are all the same. i've heard many times that you affect what comes into your own life. your tounge can create, and your mind has a magnetic power. i only really started thinkin about cuz damn near every rapper has to throw "fuck the cops/police" in an album. i mean i don't hate cops, nor do i support everything they do. i have my indifference as usual. i guess i'm just puzzled as to why people put so much time into pointless things like that. shoot me.

i just know there was more to write but now i can't remember :/
o well, back to 40-year-old virgin.. which has only loaded half of the first third of the movie damnit!!

note.

i am an idiot.

i stopped writing.

why?

earthquake.

i find it wierd i can never feel one specific way. i can never be just happy or just down. maybe that's with everybody; i doubt it, but who knows? i feel like coldplay's new cd, if that makes sense. by the way, that cd is the shit. and i guess if you use deductive reasoning, (i feel like coldplay's new cd, and that cd is the shit) then i guess i am the shit. i like how that works out, i'm happy. :)

im playing pokemon pearl, and i'm almost at the end. i just find it annoying that every gotdamn pokemon in the elite 4 has earthquake.

don't you hate when an extremely cute girl (or if you are a girl, vice-versa) comes into your job and for whatever reason you can't do anything about it? that happened to me today, just like it did last week. but i guess i shouldn't stress because judging by past experiences they're almost 30 and have children. now i am into older girls, but definately not that old, i'm only talking a couple years older. but it seems like all the ones that look a little bit older than my age are actually a lot older than my age; the ones that look my age are actually underaged. this some bullshit.

so i have a younger twin. i won't go into detail today but he prooved the relativity to me again, it's kinda crazy.

and once again i'll be late for school, but it's ok because i'm black and we're used to it.

i'm kidding, i normally try to stay on time, just not to this class.

[edit]

so i forgot to write about what made me want to write in the first place. i've already been the type of person to not care about much, which is an understatement, because there's a lot that i don't care about. and at times there's no good reason for it, but i can normally defend by saying there's no good reason to care. what i've noticed lately though, is that i'm starting to care even more. in terms of relationships/friendships i've found myself slipping away from 3 specific people, and the sad part is that i'm not really bothered by it. i think i should care a little, i mean they haven't even done anything to negatively affect our relationship but i just feel like letting go..

and i am so mad i haven't listened to nas in a minute. I listened to stilmatic on the way home from school and it was like the best thing in the world. i'm slippin.

playlist.

i've been listening to one kind of music lately. i don't know how to label it though, it's not a specific genre, there are songs from all across the board. this list includes Common's 'Come Close To Me,' The Stroke's 'You Only Live Once,' Weezer's 'Island in the Sun,' No Doubt's 'Simple Kind of Life,' and Marvin Gaye's 'I Want You.' i don''t know what that means or how i feel but ok. sad part is that i tried to write again last night and this comes out:

i look out a window it's nothing clear
all i see is my face it's like a mirror
look away as if disgraced or if i saw somethin i fear
and if i stand in my place it'll keep drawing near
and it's nothing i can erase so which way do i steer?
wishing i could sway and just drift in this rain
tumble into an ocean and let it take me away
just float on my back til my skin corrodes
and fingers and toes soak til the appearance is old
when i, dream my skies are grey
and the clouds in which i lay are like a rocky terrain
and i stare at the concrete which rejected my feet
i feel the wind escape my presence as i fall in my sleep

i don't know if it's sadness or nonchalance or a mix of both.

anyway yesterday, for the first time in forever, i went shopping. and, for the first time in forever, i bought some jeans. i also discovered a small cult of guys who have had the same two pairs of jeans since highschool. i felt like i was home, but then i left home buy buying two more pairs. but i'm happy.

and tuesday i began to rediscover my artistic side. my friend from my accounting class invited to chill with his people. it was pretty cool; the people i met were some of the coolest black people you can find. not to put my own people down but anybody who is black, and anybody of any race, knows their people are on some shit sometimes. but this group was a fresh breath. one cat was a super smart guy, "blessed with the gift of speech." another was an artist. anything but a typical conversation. i got connected with a lady who does catering so i might have jobs on the side and i get to build experience in a kitchen. anyway, we did a couple stencil designs for tees and hoodies. this was my first time ever doing a stencil so of course im happily drawing until the homie points out i don't have any breaks that allow the entire picture to follow through once i cut it out. in other words i would've made, instead of a stencil, a shaped hole. but it came out really nice, at least i liked it:


(it says "g-eazy")

relevance.

ive had this cough for maybe three or four weeks and its annoying. i don't even feel sick, but i need to make an appointment to go see a doctor cuz this is some bull. i also need to make an appointment to the eye doctor cuz some asshole stole my glasses at work. why? i dont know. my paycheck completely sucked so i need to fix that next time around. i have bills to pay. my first car note is due in about a week but i haven't got the bill yet. i still love my car. fuck love, i hopped off that tree for a bit, but i might stand near it. you know i stood in line for some wack party last nite and didn't even go in? it was sposed to start at 9, we get there at 9.30, tell me why we're the first people there. then they say it starts at 10 so we chill til then and it seems like crowds of guys get there. so that's pretty gay. after a while a cool number of girls show up, but 4% were even slightly attractive. they still didn't let anybody in til about 10.15, but we left cuz we werent paying 15 bucks for a guy party. i wanna leave.