earthquake.

i find it wierd i can never feel one specific way. i can never be just happy or just down. maybe that's with everybody; i doubt it, but who knows? i feel like coldplay's new cd, if that makes sense. by the way, that cd is the shit. and i guess if you use deductive reasoning, (i feel like coldplay's new cd, and that cd is the shit) then i guess i am the shit. i like how that works out, i'm happy. :)

im playing pokemon pearl, and i'm almost at the end. i just find it annoying that every gotdamn pokemon in the elite 4 has earthquake.

don't you hate when an extremely cute girl (or if you are a girl, vice-versa) comes into your job and for whatever reason you can't do anything about it? that happened to me today, just like it did last week. but i guess i shouldn't stress because judging by past experiences they're almost 30 and have children. now i am into older girls, but definately not that old, i'm only talking a couple years older. but it seems like all the ones that look a little bit older than my age are actually a lot older than my age; the ones that look my age are actually underaged. this some bullshit.

so i have a younger twin. i won't go into detail today but he prooved the relativity to me again, it's kinda crazy.

and once again i'll be late for school, but it's ok because i'm black and we're used to it.

i'm kidding, i normally try to stay on time, just not to this class.

[edit]

so i forgot to write about what made me want to write in the first place. i've already been the type of person to not care about much, which is an understatement, because there's a lot that i don't care about. and at times there's no good reason for it, but i can normally defend by saying there's no good reason to care. what i've noticed lately though, is that i'm starting to care even more. in terms of relationships/friendships i've found myself slipping away from 3 specific people, and the sad part is that i'm not really bothered by it. i think i should care a little, i mean they haven't even done anything to negatively affect our relationship but i just feel like letting go..

and i am so mad i haven't listened to nas in a minute. I listened to stilmatic on the way home from school and it was like the best thing in the world. i'm slippin.

playlist.

i've been listening to one kind of music lately. i don't know how to label it though, it's not a specific genre, there are songs from all across the board. this list includes Common's 'Come Close To Me,' The Stroke's 'You Only Live Once,' Weezer's 'Island in the Sun,' No Doubt's 'Simple Kind of Life,' and Marvin Gaye's 'I Want You.' i don''t know what that means or how i feel but ok. sad part is that i tried to write again last night and this comes out:

i look out a window it's nothing clear
all i see is my face it's like a mirror
look away as if disgraced or if i saw somethin i fear
and if i stand in my place it'll keep drawing near
and it's nothing i can erase so which way do i steer?
wishing i could sway and just drift in this rain
tumble into an ocean and let it take me away
just float on my back til my skin corrodes
and fingers and toes soak til the appearance is old
when i, dream my skies are grey
and the clouds in which i lay are like a rocky terrain
and i stare at the concrete which rejected my feet
i feel the wind escape my presence as i fall in my sleep

i don't know if it's sadness or nonchalance or a mix of both.

anyway yesterday, for the first time in forever, i went shopping. and, for the first time in forever, i bought some jeans. i also discovered a small cult of guys who have had the same two pairs of jeans since highschool. i felt like i was home, but then i left home buy buying two more pairs. but i'm happy.

and tuesday i began to rediscover my artistic side. my friend from my accounting class invited to chill with his people. it was pretty cool; the people i met were some of the coolest black people you can find. not to put my own people down but anybody who is black, and anybody of any race, knows their people are on some shit sometimes. but this group was a fresh breath. one cat was a super smart guy, "blessed with the gift of speech." another was an artist. anything but a typical conversation. i got connected with a lady who does catering so i might have jobs on the side and i get to build experience in a kitchen. anyway, we did a couple stencil designs for tees and hoodies. this was my first time ever doing a stencil so of course im happily drawing until the homie points out i don't have any breaks that allow the entire picture to follow through once i cut it out. in other words i would've made, instead of a stencil, a shaped hole. but it came out really nice, at least i liked it:


(it says "g-eazy")

relevance.

ive had this cough for maybe three or four weeks and its annoying. i don't even feel sick, but i need to make an appointment to go see a doctor cuz this is some bull. i also need to make an appointment to the eye doctor cuz some asshole stole my glasses at work. why? i dont know. my paycheck completely sucked so i need to fix that next time around. i have bills to pay. my first car note is due in about a week but i haven't got the bill yet. i still love my car. fuck love, i hopped off that tree for a bit, but i might stand near it. you know i stood in line for some wack party last nite and didn't even go in? it was sposed to start at 9, we get there at 9.30, tell me why we're the first people there. then they say it starts at 10 so we chill til then and it seems like crowds of guys get there. so that's pretty gay. after a while a cool number of girls show up, but 4% were even slightly attractive. they still didn't let anybody in til about 10.15, but we left cuz we werent paying 15 bucks for a guy party. i wanna leave.

buckets.

when somebody figures out how to properly start these things let me know. i swear i spend 10 minutes tryin to figure out how to write a blog. i mean i know what i want to say, but it's difficult sometimes making your words lay down properly..

anyways, my phone was cut off finally. no more at&t. not that i didn't like them, cuz i love being able to switch phones whenever i felt. its just that at my job we have a choice of having an employee plan either under at&t or sprint. at&t is $25 a month, includes 2000 anytime minutes, unlimited texting. so you'd have to add on extras like mobile-to-mobile, nights and weekends, internet, etc. that's still a pretty good deal though right? only thing is that i use internet and texting more than anything, i don't talk on the phone much so 2000 minutes is unlimited to me, but i'd have to pay like 30 bucks more for unlimited internet. so i'd be looking at $55 dollars a month. still not bad right? but let me tell you why i chose sprint: 3000 anytime minutes, nights and weekends at 7pm, mobile-to-mobile, unlimited texting, unlimited internet, and the feature of actually having service in my house, for $20 a month. a lot of people actually complain about sprint, but its not even a big deal until you have to talk to them, and i can get around that. i can switch my phone anytime too, except i have to chit-chat with sprint reps who like to ask questions, but whatever.

i almost want to hop off this tree i've been climbing and say fuck the apple.

i'm a pretty quiet person and i spend most of my time in thought, and i was wondering if any of you similarly quiet people have the same trait as me. do you have a conversation for almost everyone you know? i know it's not uncommon to play out situations in your head, but i think there's a limit to the uncommonality of that habit. from time to time when something is bothering me, or something someone did is bothering me, i always think about exactly what i'd want to say or how to react. only thing is i never act on it because i can never care enough to let it keep bothering me. i just think it's funny i've had enough time on my hands to think up whole conversations with virtually everyone i know.

peach sorbet is the shit.

why hasn't anyone forced me to listen to no doubt in all my years of living?? i decided monday to get their entire discography via azureus, and i love it. their music is so chill, and relaxing. this is really elevating my mood. you know in the matrix reloaded when neo brings that girl back to life by massaging her heart? that's what this music is doing to my mood rite now... and i realize how retarded that sounds but i just saw the movie again at work so i had to throw that in somewhere. i really just wanted to set the table so i could say this: you the french guy who had the keymaker prisoner? his wife was fucking sexy.

today this old man gave me a gold dollar and said if i keep it in my pocket i'll never be broke. i think i'll humor him.

speaking of movies, you remember the crackhead from don't be a menace to south central while drinkin yo juice in the hood? i swear some guy came into my job looking exactly like him, maybe a little fatter, asking if we had direct tv remotes. then he asked for change for the bus. does that add up to you? how you gon' have direct tv and you can't even secure your ride to the next destination? got his priorities mixed up. i need to stop being such an ass.

you ever take a class or something and accurately predict who you're gonna befriend? it's really crazy how that works.

another thing i was thinking about: you ever have an elder tell you to buy your house before you get married so in case you divorce it'll still be yours? or anything along that matter as far as getting yourself settled before you get married? seems like a wise idea, yes. but i started thinking and i came to the conclusion that we are really messed up. i say that because i know there was a time when marraige was sacred. if not that i know there was a time when couples care enough to try. i'm not saying this applies to everyone but i'm sure you all know of at least a handful of people that can wear these shoes. what happened to making it work? what happened to trying? i know there are some cases that are understandable, like i would've divorced my dad too, but others seem like a waste of time to make things work cuz divorce is the easy way out. i only hope i don't grow into that person, you know?

balance.

it seems like my feelings are evenly portioned into a balance scale. i dont kno what to feel like. im mad but im happy, confused and relaxed. bummed and chill. i swear i have a mild habit of mood swings.

i want this weekend to be over. theres been so many ups and downs its not even funny.. u know how at the beach every day the tide rises and falls and can never make up its mind what level it wants to stay at? dont u think the sand would be irritated by that? i would be, and thats how i feel rite now. im retarded.

there is water all over my keyboard.

so this weekend, i got to chill with my second fam, had a good convo (one that could possibly mark a new level in a relationship), ate one meal a day for two days, went to my highschool's graduation, played mario strikers halfway through that graduation, said goodbye to a lot of friends, saw a lot of old friends, didn't get to say goodbye how i wanted to the one girl ive had a crush on for about 3 years but it'd probably never work out, went to roscoe's in hollywood and lost my appetite, discovered that driving in echo park is a straight bitch. my mood was shot (which is still fidgeting on the floor), bummed around the house for 4 hours, saw the hulk, had a jalapeño chicken sandwhich at carl's jr even tho the clerk was a stupid asshole, had a completely meaningless conversation, and now i cant get a certain someone or something out of my head. each of these things all have their own story behind it. i really just wanna go to the beach tonite and think about stuff. i think i wanna leave the state again too, like i originally wanted.

yo no sé... u tell me how to feel...

spiderweb.

does anybody else hate their extended family, well at least the idea of them? im talking about the family of the new girlfriend/boyfriend of the parent you don't or don't want to live with. the group of people that know your name but you don't know their. the people that want to give you their love, but you just don't want that shit.

im not tryin to sound as harsh as i know i sound, but honestly. my relationship with my dad is nearly hanging by a spiderweb that stays stuck to my fingers when i try to pick it off. now i can understand him wanting me to meet his girlfriend, but of course i don't want to. a couple months ago i dropped him off at home and bailed myself out of meeting her. i just don't want anybody i don't kno to be attached to me through someone i don't want to be attached to if that makes any sense. sadly, it's too late. this is the same lady that was calling my cell phone, that i did not give her the number to, during the christmas season to see i got the 300 dollars she gave to my dad to give me. which brings up two questions... first, who the fuck gives away 300 dollars to somebody she has never even seen before??? and second, where the fuck is the money with my name on it that i never cared to ask about because i never cared to recieve it but it's just the principle of the matter, gregory (that's my dad's name if you didn't guess)???

so if things weren't wierd enough, guess what? they live literally around the corner from my job. so one day my dad and his girlfriend come into my store because has to put money on her nigga phone (boost ilimitado!), which is a whole blog post in itself. but i did a good job at staying out of my dad's sight in the middle of helping a customer without making it obvious. i mean either i have super mad sick skills or he's incompetent; it wasn't the first time he walked by me and didn't notice me. anyways, that doesn't matter anymore because he came in my store another time and saw me, so now he knows where i work. and with that he brings his girlfriend in to meet me. later she brings her daughter in to meet me, and she's caliing me brother. i don't even know her damn name, so wtf?

don't get me wrong, they're nice people, and i don't wanna put them down for that. but i don't want them to think i'm ready/willing to just accept them into my life. before i even think about becoming family with my dad's family, i have to become family with my dad again, you get me? and that's unlikely in itself... the indifference just eats away at the possibility.

does this count as a rant?

anyways, here's some boredom:

jagerbomb.

i like how some of the most important parts of your life are the most boring. i mean how many of u have actually had a fun graduation. i mean i had a fun highschool graduation, cuz a fourth of our entire class went backstage to chill. but i mean the actual graduation was nothing that interesting u kno?

so after the turning of the tassles i greet my supporters, all whom i couldn't spend time with because of the most stressful kickback ever. let me tell u, we had a room rented, and check in was at 2, graduation was at 3, point a was the 10 freeway, point b the 405, and the road was the 110 freeway building up to rush hour, fun rite? the suspense of thinking im going to miss my own graduation was the best. so anyways, the lil 'contract' for booking a room says no visitors or parties. and we're at a small hotel, so of course our plan for everybody to just walk-in and act like u kno where ur going fell, besides the fact two of them went straight to the front desk asking where to go. the kickback reminded me of a certain new years in a sense, how it was pretty much over before 12. i mean we were up til like 4 but still.. i think ive finally chosen my drink (thanks to an old aquaintance): monster/jager. u kno those four-pack monsters? i had a whole case that nite. now i dont know if it was that or the bed i slept on that kept me up, i woke up more than i actually slept.

next day four of us went to disneyland, i haven't been since maybe summer of 10th grade and i've never been to california adventure, but both parks for 20 bucks is not bad at all. it was great actually, had a salmon blt and chocolate cake and mai tai. we were just super tired tho, we took a hour nap on the benches outside space mountain. u ever feel like there's sombody stalking u across the park? i mean who else but us likes monster's inc, tower of terror, the rollercoaster which name slips me, and the bee ride, in exactly that order?

sat. nite was the other kickback, u kno how there's that one guy who drinks too much and has to talk to everyone and star a fight with the gay guy? yea, there was one of those, and he tried to attack our friend. pretty funny. i also tore a square, not a hole, out of my shirt while ramming a port-a-potty while my friend was inside. and i finally saw ironman :)

i needed this weekend. im tired, but its that good tired that you can't even be mad about. sadly i have to take my ass rite back to school