guten tag.

so i was going to do the 30-day letter challenge. but then i got rosetta stone instead. much better investment of time. i'm gonna learn german! then use it to say what i want, whenever i feel like it. that's what i told my mom at least. i'm really doing it so i can learn something new. i should re-sharpen my spanish skills because i't actually be useful in california, but fuck that. i like spanish but i'd rather learn something different, and i have a handful of friends that know so i can still use it every day if i need and/or want to.

black cat?

did you see what just happened?!

20 days.

20 days without a word.

it's so hard to escape.

well, my mood is acting like a little bitch again and won't stay constant. i've been starting the days off cheerful, which is good. however, halfway through work i start to not care. granted it makes me get everything done faster somehow, but it's weird. i know i never care about anything but i don't know how to describe a deeper feeling of nothing. like if you watch the first season of dexter, and apply everything he says about his personality to my own (minus the urge to kill... but not minus the destructive nature), it's getting that much closer to being spot on. i think i'm just slowly realizing it's not the best way to live i guess. i dread being at home. i really want to move out, and i've even started putting larger payments towards my car. once that debt is eliminated, i'm gone. it's not even about being independent or grown. it's so that i have a better hiding place. it's getting harder and harder to fake emotions and i'm starting to question whether i have any emotional ties with the people that i know i should. it's not that i fake relationships, but that i sometimes spare feelings to avoid letting people know how i feel as means of being polite. my mother knows i'm kind of introverted but even though i've tried to explain it to her countless times, i'm much more introverted than your normal introvert. i don't know how it must feel for someone to have one of their closest loved ones refuse to show anything. i'm sure it hurts, and it's fucked up. i need a new hiding place. i need to construct and maintain my bonds from a distance i guess. typing this out is actually very confusing; i'm not sure if i'm making my point clear or if i'm coming off too harsh or what. oh well.

on to the brighter side:

summer has started, it's relaxing not having to wake up at 5am for school. i have more summer plans than usual, which is actually just two trips. normally i just go with the flow and just end up going to the beach and partying. i went to vegas for my friend's 21st birthday. i had surprisingly good luck my first time playing craps (maybe because i'm black?), met amazing people, and invented the greatest drink in the WORLD!!! i refuse to be humble about that. next month i'm going to dc to see a paramore and tegan & sara show with one of my two east coast bff's. i want my other bff to bring her ass to la soon so we can be evil together. i'm also hoping the crew gets the ok to run this party next week. we throw amazing parties, btw. i just can't wait to bartend an event. i might take a second job just for fun once school starts again. i want to enjoy my summer nights before i give them up again.

i almost destroyed myself last week. i've been able to practice parkour on saturdays again, and i've been determined to make progress with my skills. so far so good. last week was pretty interesting though. i don't know how to explain the story without parkour terms, which you're probably unfamiliar with, but oh well, google them. i tried to tic-tac and land in a crane from a ledge to the top of a shed, and my foot slipped. somehow i caught myself before i fell although i cut my knee. normally bailing is discouraging but i tried again until i got it. there was another move that is fairly simple but for some reason i can't do it. one of our group members did a tic-tac from a wall to a reverse vault over the railing to a set of stairs. when i used to try that before i was always hesitant, but that day this guy brought some energy bars that he's been promoting and i had eaten one earlier. i don't know what the fuck was in that thing, but i was hyper and strung the fuck out so i was trying shit full-speed/confidence. end result? i tried multiple times. the only attempts worth noting were the ones in which i almost cracked my head open. once again, er.. twice again, i caught myself right before my head made contact with either the ground or the staircase railing. i must say though, i'm really impressed by my reflexes. i find it funny that at the end of the day, one of the younger kids said i'm just like a cat: i climb random things and then lay on them quite lazily. he had a point, add that to my reflexes and it makes a lot of sense.

oh, fuck 40 hour work weeks. i don't know how you people work full time.

i heart binging.

today i:

I- had the longest hangover in the history of my life.
II- realized that i binge on being an artist.
III- am bs'ing this post.

I- we played mixed drink pong last night. i went through 4 tall cups of rum+catctus cooler, rum+lemon smirnoff+cactus cooler, and lemon smirnoff+diet sunkist+pineapple juice. yes, we ran out of cactus cooler so i fabricated it with diet sunkist and pineapple juice. it was successful because i am awesome. so i forgot i started typing this post and went m.i.a. for a good 20-30 minutes [refer to item III]. although i could've just avoided revealing that and you wouldn't suspect a thing. anyway, after mixed drink pong we just started taking shots of smirnoff back to back to back to back. i think it was four times.. i had work from 10.30am-7pm. awesome, huh? i had a slightly different hangover than normal: no headache, but my stomach bailed on me. oh, i also woke up still buzzed. i've come to the conclusion that i hate my hangovers. i'd rather deal with the headache [and i don't even take aspirin, gotta man up and be a naturalist!] than not be able to eat all day. imagine working in a kitchen with no bars on how much you could eat for 8.5 hours with a stomach that rejects EVERYTHING you send it. fuck. and it lasted the entire 8.5 hours, and some. fuck!

II- i started making stencils again. i'm probably gonna stop by next week. i've maintained and abandoned this blog, what three times already? i'm probably gonna do it again. i did pokemon papercrafts in back in the winter. i have an eevee wearing the top of jolteon's head like a hat. the rest of jolteon's body is unglued, unfolded, and uncut. i'm probably not gonna start it again. this is how i found out every time i do something artistic, i'll focus a lot of attention on it, almost obsessively, for a period of time then completely drop it for a longer period of time.

III- ok, i think i lied. the plan was to make an extremely short post just for the sake of posting, but now it has all these paragraphs and shit. damn my need to be organized. goodnight.

*evil laugh*

i don't know where to begin, i'm too excited for this.

ok, so yesterday i was talking to my new favorite person in the world, krystal, about how some guy tried to hit her up on facebook chat trying to get to know her. i told her she should have went with it and creeped him out by saying she's into really weird shit, which i find more fun than just ignoring/deleting the loser. so today i had an 8 hour shift at work. and i'm sure 90% of people who work holidays know it's how slow and boring they can be, so i brought my ipod and nintendo dsi to keep me company. so in the middle of serving lunch, krystal texts me "some guy just gave me his number via fb wanna creep him out?" i'm like "fuck yes!" she sends me the number and i proceed to text this random guy pretending to be krystal (no homo?). i have to say i was quite entertained for the next three hours. here's the convo:

Me (1:12 PM): Umm. hi
Stranger (1:13 PM): Umm hi ? Lol who is this ?
Me (1:15 PM): You tell me. Who'd you just give your number to?

*trap set*

Stranger (1:15 PM): Lol. Meghan ?

gotcha bitch!!

Me (1:19 PM): Meghan huh? Nope. Typical guy i see
Stranger (1:22 PM): No. I just seen my friend Meghan and gave her my number. Haven't seen her in years. I'm sorry Krystal !!!
Me (1:25 PM): Hm. Right..
Stranger (1:26 PM): I swear. Jeez. Don't beat me up. Lol. You don't think I enjoyed our conversation last night. I just honestly didn't think you would text me. I'm glad tho.
Stranger (1:26 PM): It was weird bc I literally just gave her my number like ten minutes before you texted me. Lol. That's y I instantly thought it was her. How is your day going ?
Me (1:30 PM): Boring. I'm at work.
Stranger (1:31 PM): Awe. Well I hope you have a great time at work. When do you leave?
Me (1:33 PM): Couple hours
Stranger (1:34 PM): Ooo. Well, you know I actually thought about u a few times today. Lol. Kinda weird considering we just met. ;-)

ewww...

Me (1:36 PM): Ya, quite weird.
Stranger (1:37 PM): Lol I guess I am standing alone on that one. Lol.
Me (1:38 PM): Yeah, considering we don't know each other
Stranger (1:38 PM): Lol. Well that's alll up to you to change that.

this is the first instance where i just stopped responding.

Stranger (2:09 PM): Well I guess only if you want to.
Me (2:15 PM): Why did you send the same message twice?
Stranger (2:15 PM): Huh? I didn't? U did before tho.
Me (2:16 PM): Ok..

second instance where i was gonna stop responding, but he sends a picture message showing the text message thread where my phone had sent a duplicate message. which was a technical issue, but he ignores the fact that he sent two closely related messages just reeking of despera-eagerness(?)

Stranger (2:16 PM): Lol.
Stranger (2:28 PM): Sooo u let me know if you wanna get to know me better. Because I'm def down for getting to know you.

third time he asks. -__-

Me (2:30 PM): I'll pass.
Stranger (2:30 PM): Wow.
Stranger (2:31 PM): Is it something I did ?
Me (2:34 PM): No. Just don't find you that interesting that's all
Stranger (2:35 PM): Wow. That's kind of shallow considering you didn't even give me a chance. But hey if that's how you feel than ok. I'm plenty interesting though.
Me (2:42 PM): ok.

you know how you have a serious text conversation with someone and you send a whole meaningful paragraph and they just reply "ok."? pisses you the fuck off, right? so that's what i went for. then my coworker tells me i should've just wrote "k." i agree, that one letter would've made it so much better.

Stranger (2:43 PM): Ok. And if I wasn't so interesting then why did u text me ?
Me (2:46 PM): boredom?
Stranger (2:46 PM): Are you seriously this way ?
Me (2:48 PM): what way?
Stranger (2:49 PM): You don't think that what your saying is at all shallow ?
Me (2:51 PM): oh i do.
Stranger (2:51 PM): So why if I was nothing but nice to you ?

i didn't know exactly what to write back considering he now sounds like he's about to cry.. it is currently 8:16pm and i know what i could've said. i was thinking one of these two options:

logical response:
"well saying something like 'sooo u let me know if u wanna get to know me' was a rather bold choice of words to tell a complete stranger, like i'm supposed to automatically want to cause you said it.

realistic response (which would have been the only part of the convo that wouldn't be a lie):
"because i feed on negative emotions =)"

so after the third time ignoring him, he doesn't try to reinitiate the conversation. as funny as it was, it felt odd having that conversation with him really convinced i'm a girl from new york. i mean, my area code is 323, how do you not question that? and i'm sure my dialect was different than the "conversation [we had] last night". fucking idiot. so anyway, i'm now convinced that i am evil. best 2.5 hours ever. can't believe i got paid double-time and a half to fuck with people. *evil laugh*

language barriers.

i quit my job at radioshack on new year's eve. didn't want to drag that filthy company into the new year. only kidding. that company is filthy but i'm kidding about dragging it into the new year because i still hold no value to the "new year" because i feel if there's a change to be made, then it should be made when it's called for, not because of a new year. that's lazy and some bullshit. so now i'm solely working at kaiser, and i just transfered to work at the mental health center. so what i lack in radioshack stories i'll make up for in crazy people stories. i don't have any crazy people stories yet, so i'm just going to write about how the language barriers between coworkers have been annoying the shit out of me recently. =)

so a hospital's faculty has to take the cake in diversity; it's almost like they go scouting in other countries for employees. i mean everyone speaks enough english to get their job done, which i have no problem with. the accents i have no problem with because i can understand everyone for the most part when i'm spoken to. here's my thing: anytime i'm engaging in a conversation, and there's comes a point where i say something in contrast to their statement, based on my opinion, and they repeat the last thing they said without missing a beat. wtf, right?? they repeat themselves in a way that seems like they're convinced that i just agreed with them. in my head i'm screaming "no, you fucking idiot! i heard what you said, now stop fucking acting like i didn't say something!" it's like telling a wall to move out of my path. and unless i'm reading the look on their faces completely wrong, it's because they just don't understand what i'm talking about. i mean it's either that or they're all egotistical dicks that can't stand to have someone disagree with them, which is rather unlikely don't you think? i don't have this problem with people often, besides from one of my coworkers. it really irks me though. my solution? i've resorted to just blatantly agreeing to everything anyone says. i could care less about about their opinions or sharing my own. besides, i'm not the type to engage in pointless conversations with people who mean nothing to me anyway. which brings me to question why i bothered in the first place... *kanye shrug*

*awkward wave*

so, i haven't posted in about a year. or 11 months, whatever. i defected to twitter for a while. twitter is cool if you follow the right people. it took me a while to figure out after realizing my timeline was once an internet version of BET. recently i've been thinking of bigger ideas that i should write down, ones that can't all be compressed into 140-character statements. that made me decide to start blogging again. so when i was about to start a whole new blog, i looked at the old one and i thought to myself: i was gonna use that url.. fuck it i'll just pick up where i left off. so now i will use this blog for bigger topics, and twitter for short bursts of my thought process.

relapse.

im trying to get back into writing poetry again, even if just a little bit. that and it slows my transition into a completely unsensitive/vulcanish asshole :)

im lost in a stare and im tryin not to blink again
while the beams brush the surface of the skin
i love your shine under the starlight, others call it the sun
that's why im waitin for the clouds to run
for those rays to dash, amplify the colors in between those lashes
love it when they're framed in glasses
everytime you glance i feel a rush
cuz trust, i cannot look away, my eyes keep movin down and up
lips are lush, im in a trance every time you brush,
by, freckles pinpoint every spot i wanna touch
and im sure you got the hint, but if you must know
im tryin pretty hard to make you blush through your blush
like your eye shadow after the day's through, im tryin not to linger
never will i shadow, i just wanna take you by the fingers
and always stand to your left like it's forever 9 o'clock
cuz im willing to stop time if it means this moment i'll lock