black cat?

did you see what just happened?!

20 days.

20 days without a word.

it's so hard to escape.

well, my mood is acting like a little bitch again and won't stay constant. i've been starting the days off cheerful, which is good. however, halfway through work i start to not care. granted it makes me get everything done faster somehow, but it's weird. i know i never care about anything but i don't know how to describe a deeper feeling of nothing. like if you watch the first season of dexter, and apply everything he says about his personality to my own (minus the urge to kill... but not minus the destructive nature), it's getting that much closer to being spot on. i think i'm just slowly realizing it's not the best way to live i guess. i dread being at home. i really want to move out, and i've even started putting larger payments towards my car. once that debt is eliminated, i'm gone. it's not even about being independent or grown. it's so that i have a better hiding place. it's getting harder and harder to fake emotions and i'm starting to question whether i have any emotional ties with the people that i know i should. it's not that i fake relationships, but that i sometimes spare feelings to avoid letting people know how i feel as means of being polite. my mother knows i'm kind of introverted but even though i've tried to explain it to her countless times, i'm much more introverted than your normal introvert. i don't know how it must feel for someone to have one of their closest loved ones refuse to show anything. i'm sure it hurts, and it's fucked up. i need a new hiding place. i need to construct and maintain my bonds from a distance i guess. typing this out is actually very confusing; i'm not sure if i'm making my point clear or if i'm coming off too harsh or what. oh well.

on to the brighter side:

summer has started, it's relaxing not having to wake up at 5am for school. i have more summer plans than usual, which is actually just two trips. normally i just go with the flow and just end up going to the beach and partying. i went to vegas for my friend's 21st birthday. i had surprisingly good luck my first time playing craps (maybe because i'm black?), met amazing people, and invented the greatest drink in the WORLD!!! i refuse to be humble about that. next month i'm going to dc to see a paramore and tegan & sara show with one of my two east coast bff's. i want my other bff to bring her ass to la soon so we can be evil together. i'm also hoping the crew gets the ok to run this party next week. we throw amazing parties, btw. i just can't wait to bartend an event. i might take a second job just for fun once school starts again. i want to enjoy my summer nights before i give them up again.

i almost destroyed myself last week. i've been able to practice parkour on saturdays again, and i've been determined to make progress with my skills. so far so good. last week was pretty interesting though. i don't know how to explain the story without parkour terms, which you're probably unfamiliar with, but oh well, google them. i tried to tic-tac and land in a crane from a ledge to the top of a shed, and my foot slipped. somehow i caught myself before i fell although i cut my knee. normally bailing is discouraging but i tried again until i got it. there was another move that is fairly simple but for some reason i can't do it. one of our group members did a tic-tac from a wall to a reverse vault over the railing to a set of stairs. when i used to try that before i was always hesitant, but that day this guy brought some energy bars that he's been promoting and i had eaten one earlier. i don't know what the fuck was in that thing, but i was hyper and strung the fuck out so i was trying shit full-speed/confidence. end result? i tried multiple times. the only attempts worth noting were the ones in which i almost cracked my head open. once again, er.. twice again, i caught myself right before my head made contact with either the ground or the staircase railing. i must say though, i'm really impressed by my reflexes. i find it funny that at the end of the day, one of the younger kids said i'm just like a cat: i climb random things and then lay on them quite lazily. he had a point, add that to my reflexes and it makes a lot of sense.

oh, fuck 40 hour work weeks. i don't know how you people work full time.